


A Colourless Escapade (Set Me Free)

by KrystalM



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Consensual Infidelity, Heart Break, M/M, Past Gwen/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-21
Updated: 2016-06-21
Packaged: 2018-07-16 09:37:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 25,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7262692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KrystalM/pseuds/KrystalM
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur was married to Guinevere, a woman he had loved since high school. But his perfect fairy tale started to crumble when Gwen became cold and distant, before he found out that she was cheating on him with Lancelot, a man who works with her. Then, there was Merlin, his new neighbour, who he didn’t talk to until one night he came home drunk, forgetting his wife was not home and pawing at the door helplessly because he had forgotten his house passcode. That was the night when Merlin helped Arthur and they forged a friendship, that defined them both in ways Arthur couldn't have even imagined. </p><p>Now, Arthur was stuck, insecure about facing the truth about Gwen and scared as he falls in love with Merlin. </p><p>The only way he could ever truly be happy is if he decides to let go of his doubts and fears and takes a step towards where his heart is pointing at, if only he'll let himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Colourless Escapade (Set Me Free)

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Not mine!
> 
> A/N: Uhm, it's actually supposed to be an apology fic to all my readers who are waiting for the next update on In Pieces and don't worry! I'll update that fan fiction as soon as I can but for now, have some angst! With a side of fluff...well, yeah. Ahaha, I wasn't actually happy with the plot but I can't get rid of this from my head, so here it is! I hope you guys liked it and I hope I executed the plot well and also--the summary isn't that great. I rewrote the summary like ten times and gave up. Anyways, enjoy! And uh, if I wrote it badly, I'm sorry. //hides//

Title: A Colourless Escapade (Set Me Free)

Summary: Arthur was married to Guinevere, a woman he had loved since high school. But his perfect fairy tale started to crumble when Gwen became cold and distant before he found out that she was cheating on him with Lancelot, a man who works at where she was working. Then, there was Merlin, his new neighbour, who he didn’t talk to until one night he came home drunken, forgetting his wife is not home and pawing at the door helplessly because he had forgotten to take his house keys with him. When they meet, they click right off the bat and an affair occurs, only leaving Arthur wondering what’s going to happen, how he's going to deal with, scared to leave the comfort of who he had been with and fear as he falls for Merlin.

 

***

 

Arthur swirled the drink in the glass, his eyes bleary. He swallowed more of the yellow liquid from the glass, feeling his throat constricting tightly. He tightened his fingers around the glass, his fingertips white. Tears gathered in his eyes as he slammed the glass on the counter. He shuddered as he stood up, swaying for a second as he held the counter, trying to take in a deep breath. 

His chest felt tight, his mind was racing from one thought to the next and he was going to have a panic attack if he didn’t let himself breathe. He coughed loudly as he stumbled out of the pub, his head hurting. The images that were burned in his mind a few hours ago had him feeling even more sick now. 

He wanted to throw up. He wanted to scream. He wanted to yell and start a fight with somebody, anybody just to get rid of this—pathetic feeling he felt for himself. He started to sway again as he walked, remembering faintly he was leaving his car behind. He fucking didn’t care at the moment. 

He just didn’t want to care anymore. 

He staggered as if he had tripped over something but he didn’t look down. He just kept on walking, his subconscious mind dragging his already drunken body to the direction where he lived. His thoughts swirled around in his head as he recalled what the man said, looking at him with a pitiful look in his eyes. 

Arthur felt angry, felt useless and then, he felt horrible. Just what was it that he was lacking? He thought for a second that—that everything was right, that everything was okay. He thought, and he honestly believed, that he could hold onto something that was warm and strong. 

But now, the feeling just left him cold. 

He wanted to cry, he wanted to turn things around and make a mess. For a second, he wished he could take back every promise, every declaration of love, everything he ever gave— _her_. He knew he didn’t regret it and if he was given a chance to change everything, to make them alright again, he would.

God, pathetically, he would crawl back to her if she wanted him again, desired him again like how she used to, like how they used to be. But Arthur had failed to see that they had been breaking and he foolishly thought that she would come around and smile at him again, like how she used to do. 

To think that now he would never get to see them together, not without that familiar spark, it hurt. The tears escaped his eyes and he didn’t know how long he had been walking but he faintly knew that his body hurt. His legs were buckling as he staggered into the elevator of the familiar building. 

They used to be picture perfect, weren’t they? Had Arthur been that terribly neglecting? Had he worked too hard on them that he missed the obvious cracks? When he reached his floor, he walked out, the tears still running down his eyes heavily as he crashed against his apartment door. He licked his lips, feeling the salty tears as his hands shook against the door. 

He looked at the key code next to the handle and stopped for a second because he couldn’t remember the code. He typed in some random number, any number that felt familiar, but the red colour didn’t turn green. It made him feel even more frustrated as he started to pound against the door, trying his best not to fall apart at the front doorstep. 

“Please,” he croaked out as he started pounding on the door loudly, the tears making him hard to breathe. He slid down to the floor, the sob caught in his throat as he slammed the door one last time. Gwen wasn’t here, his mind treacherously told him and it made his chest ache even more. 

“Uhm, Arthur?” a voice cooed at him. Arthur looked up at who it was with the tears obstructing his vision. He immediately looked down to his hands that were now shaking uncontrollably. “Arthur,” the voice continued gently as the person squatted next to him. 

“Get the fuck away from me,” Arthur said menacingly, even if his voice came out weak. He wanted to be left alone so he could just sob his heart out. But then a hand landed on his shoulder and it shook him gently. 

“Come on,” the voice said. “Come in. You can sleep in the guest room.”

Arthur didn’t move but he felt himself getting up, being pushed gently to another house. He was so dead inside, his limbs were not cooperating with him as he was led into the living room before down the hallway to a room. The person navigated him to the bed and pushed him gently on it. 

Arthur immediately groaned under this breath when the soft mattress covered his back. He was exhausted and he was mentally drained, emotionally gone and physically done. The man, he realised, smiled before he pointed at Arthur. “I…Let me unbutton your shirt a bit so you can breathe.”

The blond didn’t even move as he let the man do whatever he wanted, not even protesting when he was covered with a warm blanket. “Get some sleep. It’ll help.”

Arthur didn’t even wait for the man to get out of the room, he had already closed his eyes, desperately waiting for the darkness to claim him. He just wanted to be dead to the world for a while. 

He just wanted to feel like he could breathe again, even if it was in his sleep. 

 

***

 

 

The first thing he felt when he woke up was this pain coursing through his mind. He groaned loudly, his whole body felt like he had been stepped on over and over. His legs ached the most and so did his palms. He opened his eyes gingerly, noting how hard it was to do even that. It took him a few seconds for him to get accustomed to the pain before he breathed out shallowly. 

He then noticed a glaring difference in his inspection of the room he was currently in. He furrowed his eyes confused before he slowly sat up, running his fingers through his hair, wincing when he felt the pain around his arms. Just what the fuck happened to him last night?

Just then, the memories started to flood into him like a tidal wave, making him gasp in shock. All the emotions crashed in him without mercy. The anger, hurt and betrayal made him feel like he should throw something on the floor. Just to watch something crack in his wrath. 

The door opened gently as he snapped his attention at it. A familiar mope of brown hair came in view before the face appeared. Arthur immediately recognised who it was before he looked away, cursing under his breath. “You’re awake,” the man said, sounding slightly nervous. 

Arthur glared at him before he sighed. “Why…,” he said as he gestured around the room. 

“Well…don’t you remember?” the man asked warily. Arthur scoffed, feeling the bitter feeling crawling into his heart again. 

“I wouldn’t be asking you if I didn’t, would I, Merlin?” he snapped. He was almost satisfied when he saw the man, Merlin, flinch at the tone. But he immediately felt guilty right afterwards when he saw how the man became dim and silent. 

“Sorry,” Merlin said. “Dumb question. Uhm, well, you were outside your door and you looked like you had trouble keying in the numbers, so I…let you stay here instead.”

Arthur watched him carefully before Merlin cleared his throat. “And…you were in a really bad shape yesterday. Crying and….”

Arthur closed his eyes as he rubbed his face, wincing when he felt the cold sting of his wedding ring against his face. “I remember that,” Arthur said slowly, his voice croaked out unhappily. He was distinctively aware that Merlin was still hovering by the door. The blond slowly looked back at the brunet, dropping his hands on his lap. “Well…thanks.”

“Here,” Merlin said as he stepped into the room, carrying a glass of water and a pill on his other palm. Arthur took them without much fuss and swallowed the pill, aware that it was Tylenol. His head was still hurting heavily and he was definitely felt sluggish. “You should rest. Or, do you want something to eat?”

“No, I should leave,” Arthur said but he didn’t make any move to get out of the bed. Merlin sighed gently under his breath before he shook his head. 

“You should rest. I don’t mind the company,” he said slowly.

“Well, maybe I do mind the company!” Arthur snapped again loudly, cursing immediately when he flinched at how painful his head was. He glanced at Merlin and groaned in his head when he saw Merlin’s unsure look. 

“You…should still rest here,” Merlin said quietly. Arthur felt the fight leaving him as he simply nodded weakly. Merlin placed a hand on his shoulder before slowly pushing him back down on the bed, taking the glass from his hand and placed it on the small cabinet next to the bed. “Rest. When you wake up, I’ll make you something to eat and then you can leave if you want.”

Arthur began to feel the sleepiness covering every inch of his mind again as he finally lied back on the bed. He didn’t say anything else, just looking at Merlin, at how he smiled gently at him and wrapped him up with the blanket. 

Huh, the idiot was never intimidated with him, was he? 

“Sleep tight.”

A hand covered his forehead as if a gentle caress and he was gone into the land of the dead.

 

 

***

 

 

Arthur was in no better mood than he was a few hours ago. Merlin had forced him to take a shower, assuring Arthur that he had spare clothes for him. “It was my roommate’s last time,” Merlin had said when he inquired why he had clothes that seemed to fit Arthur. 

When the blond-haired man walked into the kitchen, Merlin had already made for him a plate of chicken sandwich with a glass of milk. He sat at one of the empty chairs near the kitchen table and picked the glass of milk, feeling slightly refreshed from the shower. “Here,” Merlin said with a happy smile. “Eat up.”

“Why are you doing this?” Arthur asked finally, placing the glass of milk on the table, staring at the brunet in his light blue eyes. Merlin cocked his head to the side for a second before he sighed and licked his lips.

“I just wanted to help my neighbour,” he said as he sat in front of Arthur with a simple shrug. “Is that so wrong?”

“I don’t usually…,” Arthur said slowly. “You know, socialise well.”

“Yes, I can see that,” Merlin said with a grin. Arthur didn’t know why this man in front of him, his neighbour for the past six months, a neighbour he hadn’t spoken to but a few words that included ‘My name is Arthur’ and ‘Goodbye’, seemed to like his company. Now, the said neighbour was helping him out when he was surely would’ve fooled himself to the rest of the neighbours in the morning. 

Arthur took a sip of the milk, realising that Merlin visibly brightened when he was drinking the milk. Seriously, why was this man so cheery?

He looked back to his left hand, the wedding ring on his ring finger felt wrong all of a sudden. “Arthur?” Merlin called him out from his dark thoughts. The blond-haired man looked at the blue eyes, raising his eyebrows in retaliation. The brunet opened his mouth and he seemed to be contemplating about something before he sighed. “If you need someone to talk to…you can talk to me.”

Arthur felt himself going tense as he looked away. “I barely know you.”

“Well,” Merlin started. “We can get to know each other now.”

Arthur shook his head, an amused smile crawled on his face. This man seemed to make things sound easier than it really was. The smile turned bitter as he took a bite of the sandwich. He was not a tell-tale, to complain to someone he barely knew about his marital problems. 

But the ache in his heart was heavy. It was making him feel, think things he shouldn’t be thinking of doing. He felt the dread wash in him when he realised that if his father was alive right now, he would’ve been laughing at his face, telling him that Arthur should’ve listened to him when he had the chance. 

Now look where he was.

“I,” Arthur started. “It’s embarrassing.”

It was deeply shameful, honestly. “It always helps, you know,” Merlin said with a careful nod. “It’s easier to tell a nobody about your problems than someone you know…or that’s what I think. I read it from somewhere about that.”

Arthur felt this weird sensation—amusement—at his neighbour, who seemed to have shrugged when he couldn’t recall where he read that from. His heart felt lighter all of a sudden, just…lighter. It was easy to talk to Merlin when the man just looked at him without judging as he finally spilled out the reason he was drunk half-way dead yesterday. His eyes didn’t look pitiful neither did he look like he was trying to understand.

He just sat there, and listened. 

“She’s cheating on me,” Arthur said, the words felt bitter in his mouth. “I…I didn’t suspect it at first. But something about her just bothered me, like she—she doesn’t want me anymore. I…didn’t want to turn like that husband but when she kept on neglecting, avoiding my questions, I had no choice. I hired a private investigator and…it was confirmed.”

The smile on his face was ugly. “I’m such an idiot.”

“You couldn’t have possibly known,” Merlin said quietly, his voice was like a hush. Arthur felt his eyes wetting again and he felt even more pathetic. He looked at the table, caressing the wooden pattern before he shook his head. 

“I should’ve known if I was neglecting her,” he said slowly. “I didn’t know we were breaking slowly. If I knew…if I knew she was going to…” The words got stuck in his throat and he felt even more wrecked than before. Just then, he felt a hand on his own hand, squeezing his palm tight. He raised his eyes to meet the warm blue ones. 

“I’m sorry,” was all the brunet said but the words soothed him. He looked back at their hands and wondered why this felt good, made him feel better than those bottles of alcohols. It didn’t resolve his problem, he didn’t know how to resolve it in the first place, but it felt better. It felt better to talk it out. 

“Thanks,” he said quietly. 

“You’re welcome,” Merlin said. “Anytime.”

 

 

***

 

 

Gwen came home two days later and she acted as if nothing was wrong, as if they weren’t dying right in front of her eyes. She smiled tiredly when Arthur walked into the bedroom after a long day of work. “You’re home,” Arthur said dumbly after what seemed like an eternity, standing at the doorway and staring at her. 

“Yeah,” she said quietly as she walked to the bathroom and closed the door, shutting him out along the way. It hurt, Arthur noted in his heart. His heart was breaking slowly and there was nothing he could do to heal them. He could already sense the resignation in the air every time she was in the same room as him. 

Just where had they gone wrong? 

That night, when they went to bed, it felt so wrong. Gwen curled up at her side of the bed meanwhile Arthur lied at his side of the bed, their backs facing each other. The world that he knew of was dying, shattering and there was nothing he could do to fix them. He saw the photographs, he had seen her smile, bright and wide in those pictures and that smile used to be his. Now, it was no longer for him. 

He closed his eyes, he felt his heart aching again. He couldn’t sleep that night and it was no surprise when Gwen wasn’t next to him in the morning when he did turn around. She wordlessly left him on the bed, without a second glance, left him confused and indifferent. 

He sighed as he went to get up from his bed. There was only one thing he knew left to do. He knew what he should do but the cold feeling that curled around his heart, this fear that he didn’t think existed, didn’t let him take the next step. When he got ready for work, he glanced at himself in the full-body mirror and noted how different he looked. His blond hair no longer held that shine, his blue eyes seemed to become duller and his entire demeanour, the way he carried himself, the way he stood, was filled with disappointment. 

He looked like his father, he realised. He looked like how his father had looked when he lost his wife. 

A sharp pang that went through his heart at the thought that maybe his father predicted this, tried to stop him from making the same mistake that he had done. His blue eyes caught the wedding ring on his finger when he was straightening his jacket. It was glinting dully and he bit his inner cheek from letting his eyes tear up again. 

God, when had he become so pitiful? 

Years of marriage was slowly dissolving into nothing and he was drowning. For now, he felt like he couldn't breathe. He closed his eyes and took in a deep breath. His body ached, his heart pained and his head throbbed; just from thinking of taking the next step to face reality again. 

He wished he could get drunk, just so he could be left in the pretence that they were still fine. 

He ran his fingers through his messy hair and turned around. He stood there, staring at their bedroom door. He slowly took a step forward before he stopped, his heart heavy in his chest. His hands shook, he realised as he rubbed his face. He clenched his fingers into a fist before he steeled his feelings. 

With a deep breath, he continued his way out of the bedroom and gathered his car keys and his wallet before he walked out of the cold apartment. He keyed in the security pin code and closed the front door, satisfied when the green light turned red. 

“Arthur?”

The said man looked at his right, realising it was his neighbour. Merlin was standing at the front door of his own apartment, a bag of groceries on his right hand while the next bag was on the ground next to his feet. The brunet smiled at him, warm and inviting and Arthur felt a bit calm at that smile. 

At first he had ignored Merlin, avoiding him at all cost after he had left his neighbour’s apartment, his cheeks blazing red from having to have spilt out his predicament to him. He was left confused when those blue eyes looked at him without judgement, just sadness and comfort. He didn’t see pity and it took him a long time to realise that that was what he wanted to see. 

He was just surprised to see it in those eyes, those eyes that didn’t seem familiar to him before this. “Hello,” Arthur greeted him before his eyes landed on the grocery bag. He raised his eyebrows, the ache from a moment ago was left unattended at the back of his mind. 

Merlin followed his gaze and looked at his own grocery bags before he smiled widely, looking back at the taller man. “Early grocery shopping, you see,” Merlin said as he shrugged, minding the brown bags in his arms. Arthur simply continued to stare before he noticed how the brunet seemed to be struggling with the bags and trying to type in his security key at the same time. 

“Do you need, ah, help?” Arthur asked slowly, pointing at the bags. Merlin glanced at him before he smiled sheepishly. 

“I would terribly appreciate it,” Merlin said as he sighed in what seemed like relief. “If you don’t mind that is.”

“No, I don’t mind,” Arthur answered, shocked slightly at how sincere he sounded. Without looking at Merlin for his reaction, he picked up the bag that was lying near the brunet’s feet. Merlin then placed the second bag next to the first one in Arthur’s arm as he keyed in his security key. 

Once the door opened, he pushed it and grabbed the bag again from Arthur, moving inside. “Come in,” he hollered from indoors. Arthur walked in after a second of hesitation. He walked to the kitchen and placed the grocery bag on the counter. Merlin placed his bag of grocery on the counter as well before he rubbed his wrist. 

He looked at the blond and grinned happily. “Thank you very much,” he said. “Would you like some breakfast as thanks?”

“Ah,” Arthur started, rubbing the back of his neck as he looked at his wrist watch. “I really do have to go.”

Merlin’s grin faltered into a soft smile, his shoulders slumped a bit. “Oh, well, at least have some tea? Coffee?” Merlin said as he pointed to the kettle. “Please?”

Arthur looked at the brunet in the eyes, wondering for a second if he should stay. He frowned gently and Merlin’s smile faltered again, this time threatening to disappear from his face. There was something about that Arthur didn’t like. “Okay,” he said finally, feeling some wash of relief inside of him when Merlin smiled again. 

“Right! Tea?” Merlin asked. “Or coffee?”

“Tea’s fine,” Arthur said shortly. The brunet nodded happily as he went to make the tea, boiling the kettle of water firstly. Silence washed into the scene and it was back to that day when Arthur had spent eating breakfast and embarrassingly spilling his sad pathetic story to Merlin. 

The blond shuffled from one foot to the other, feeling awkward. Merlin then turned around and leaned against the counter, crossing his arms against his chest. “So,” Merlin started slowly. Arthur glanced at him and raised his eyebrows in question. “How have you been?”

Arthur flinched visibly at the question and his face hardened. Merlin bit his bottom lip before he looked away. “I mean, I didn’t mean it that way. I mean, you avoided me for like three days, so I…”

Arthur relaxed a bit before he bit his inner cheek from the guilt. “I wasn’t avoiding you,” Arthur said quietly but Merlin only chuckled slightly. 

“I’m not a fool,” he said as he caught Arthur’s attention with how sharp his tone was. “I know you were embarrassed. I didn’t take it personally, don’t worry, Arthur. I’m genuinely curious, how were you?”

Arthur remained quiet as he analysed the emotions running in those blue eyes on the brunet. “Why?” Arthur asked for a second. “Why would you care how I was?”

“Because I want to be your friend,” Merlin said with a soft smile. “I mean, isn’t that why you told me about your problems?”

Arthur had the words poised at the tip of his tongue when the real implication of the sentence settled in his mind. He took in a deep breath as he looked to the ground for a second, to gather his thoughts. He hadn’t meant to tell Merlin about his problems. He had no intention on making any friends with his neighbour. A neighbour who didn’t look like he came from any socially accepted background. 

“How did you manage to afford this apartment?” Arthur asked, changing the subject, letting his curiosity to get the better of him. Merlin froze at the question before he dropped his hands to his sides. For a second, Arthur thought he had crossed an invisible line, but then Merlin shrugged. 

“I inherited it,” he said simply. Arthur raised his eyebrows again, feeling confused. Merlin chuckled when he noticed the confusion on Arthur’s face. “I had an uncle. His name is Gaius. He was…well, he’s your father’s closest friend. You might’ve heard of him too.”

Arthur furrowed his eyebrows, slightly taken aback at the prospect that his family was slightly connected to this brunet’s. “Yes, I have heard of Gaius. He was my father’s childhood friend. He…had died a few years back.”

“Yes,” Merlin said. The smile that adorned his face nicely just a moment ago looked a bit too broken and familiar right now. Arthur felt bad when he realised he had caused Merlin to remember something that hurt him. “I inherited this apartment from him, apparently. Now, here I am. Besides, it’s closer to my shop.”

“I’m sorry,” Arthur said. Merlin simply shook his head. 

“Don’t worry,” he said. “It was a long time ago.”

“It still doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt,” Arthur said and Merlin just smiled again, this time his smile looked better. 

“Thank you,” Merlin said after a minute. Arthur looked at him confused. “For understanding. Some people don’t realise that when you lose someone you love, the hurt will always be there in here,” Merlin said as he patted his chest. “No matter how long it had been.”

Arthur could relate to it when he lost his mother at the tender age of thirteen. She was everything to him, she loved him, made him feel that he was fine by being himself whenever his father made him felt horrible. He looked at his wrist watch, noting he still had half an hour before he was truly late. Before Arthur could say anything, Merlin had turned around to cater the kettle. 

“Your tea,” Merlin said as he made the tea quickly and handed it to Arthur. “Do you need more sugar?”

Arthur took a sip of the tea and smiled. “No, it’s fine.”

“Good,” Merlin said as he made a cup for himself and leaned against the counter again, sipping on his tea. 

Arthur, for the first time in his life, felt like he was comfortable in his own skin, just standing in the middle of the kitchen, drinking tea with his neighbour who he didn’t know that well. 

Merlin never asked about Gwen. 

Arthur felt relaxed, his mind no longer thinking about the pain, when he left the brunet’s apartment.

 

 

***

 

 

He was frustrated. The words on the document no longer made sense and his head was throbbing painfully. Arthur just wanted to slam his head on the desk or scream or just maul someone on the head with this thick folder next to the document. It had been a week since he last had a good rest and the lack of sleep, lack of dinner, lunch, breakfast, hell, the lack of everything was ticking him off. 

Finally had enough of this pressure, he stood up, took his jacket from the chair and strode out of his office, determined to relax before he would crawl back to the document. His assistant who was as busy as he was, was startled when he slammed his office door as he stormed outside. 

“Mr Pendragon?” she questioned, rubbing her eyes as she took down her glasses and stood up. “Where are you going?”

“I’m going to go and rest,” Arthur said as he stopped walking and turned to look at her. “And from the looks of it, you need too.”

She smiled tiredly before she pointed to her desk, where there were as much papers as there was on Arthur’s desk. “You know the drill, Mr Pendragon.”

“Go home and rest,” Arthur said softly. She seemed to be taken aback at the words before she glanced back down on her desk. 

“Can I? I haven’t seen my son for two days now,” she said as she looked back at Arthur, her eyes gleaming in hope. Arthur smiled at her before he sighed and nodded. 

“Yes and don’t come back until you have twenty-four hours off,” he said and before she could protest, he waved her off and walked away. 

He walked to the elevator, his eyes caught his own reflection from the metallic doors of the elevator. He looked like a mess, he noted bitterly in his head. There were black bags under his eyes and his clothes were wrinkled at odd angles. He gave himself a broken smile as the doors of the elevator opened, revealing an empty compartment inside. 

It didn’t take him long to slump against the wall, sighing gently as he felt a crick at the back of his neck. But he just felt too exhausted to rub the crick, instead, he let his head rest against the cold wall, feeling the soft hum of the elevator as they moved down to reach the ground floor. 

Just then his phone started to ring. He took out his smartphone and he froze when he saw Gwen was calling him. His heart caught in his throat as he simply stared at the flashing name. For a second, he had wanted to press on the red-button, just so he didn't have to face her for now. 

Coward, his mind whispered to him harshly. Frustrated, he pressed on the answer button and held the phone against his ear. “Gwen,” he greeted her shortly and tiredly. 

“Arthur,” she said, her voice low. “Where are you?” she asked. 

“I’m at work,” he said, his voice carefully masked his real emotions. He walked out of the elevator when the doors opened, his shoulders stiffened and felt his mood worsening. 

“It’s one in the morning, Arthur,” she said, her voice coming out stern. “Why aren’t you home?”

“Gwen, I’m at work,” Arthur repeated calmly. “I have a lot to do here. I’ll be home soon, okay?”

She kept quiet at the end of the line. Quietly, after what seemed like an eternity of quiet, she said, “Forget it. Goodnight.”

Arthur stopped walking, and he didn’t say anything when the line went dead. His lips thinned as he brought the phone down from his ear, looking at the screen. He clenched on the phone tight before he ran his fingers through his hair. He felt horrible. Why was he still here? Why was he still standing here when Gwen obviously wanted him home?

Wasn’t this what he wanted? Wasn’t this the moment he needed to show her that he could change, he could make her come back to him? But his heart knew, somewhere deep inside of him, that it was all a false alarm, letting him know that they were fine only for a short while before the ultimate breakdown. He ignored the horrible evil cackle at the back of his mind. 

Just then he realised he was already standing at the empty pavement outside of his company’s building. He shuffled from one foot to the other before he shook his head. He pocketed his phone and started to walk ahead, just walking away from the building, from the place he knew everything of, just hoping he would find another world where he could escape. 

Before he knew it, he had ended up around a corner, to a bakery, he realised. It was a small building, located next to a bookstore and he almost smiled ruefully at the clichéness. Just as he was about to continue walking, he saw somebody rushing to the door from inside the bakery, the door opening with a harsh tug and the familiar mop of brunet obstructed his vision for a second. 

“Merlin?” Arthur asked indecorously. What was he doing here? Merlin looked at him, just as shocked as Arthur was before he replaced that look with a big bright smile. 

“Arthur,” he said. 

The blond-haired man stood there, feeling slightly awkward. Why was Merlin here, he asked to himself, shuffling his feet again. “What are you…doing here?” he asked slowly, his voice full of suspicion. 

The brunet pointed to the bakery over his shoulder with his thumb. “I own the shop,” he said. “I was just trying some new pastry and uhm, I saw you here. I just…wanted to say hi.”

Arthur raised his eyebrows. “Oh,” he said as he looked at the shop, noting that it looked cosy and warm despite it being small. 

“Do you want to come in?” Merlin asked. 

Arthur looked at him, taken aback at the invitation. He blinked for a second, knowing that he should reject the offer and start walking away from him. But Merlin was looking at him patiently, and he looked so hopeful. The blond-haired man found himself wondering why he was hesitating to reject the offer. He didn’t have the problem rejecting other people before. 

Hell, he even told Gwen he wouldn’t be coming home until later. So, why couldn’t he reject Merlin? “Okay,” Arthur said, his mouth betraying his real intentions. Merlin beamed happily as he turned around and pushed open the door, letting Arthur to step inside the dark bakery. 

The blond-haired man knew he shouldn’t do this—shouldn’t do whatever this was. There was something in here, a line he didn’t know existed, and he was crossing it. Gwen, he reminded himself. He still had Gwen, he was still married to her—he…still loved her. But the truth was fading to the background as he found himself walking into the bakery. 

His shoulder slumped as the smell of pastries filled the air. It made him feel calm almost immediately and it made him feel comforted—like how he felt whenever Merlin talked to him. He bit his inner cheek, stopping himself from tensing when Merlin turned around to look at him with those blue eyes. 

What was he doing? His inner turmoil was slowly taking him over as he tried to breathe. Merlin looked at him properly before he smiled, cautiously. It was as ifthe man knew what he was thinking. The brunet then turned around, walking away from him as he disappeared to what Arthur assumed was the kitchen. 

The blond-haired man looked away from where Merlin once stood and looked around the bakery. He started to walk around, taking in the interior design even if it was a bit too dark for him to clearly see the details. But it was a warm place to be in, he noted as he sat at one of the empty tables near the bakery’s windows. 

He felt himself drowning in the silence as he stared outside of the windows at the empty streets. The wedding ring on his finger felt heavy and uncomfortable all of a sudden when he closed his eyes and recalled of Gwen. He smiled gently to himself when he remembered how he had met her. She was his first love, and for a while, he believed she would be his last love. 

Now the fantasy was crumbling in front of his eyes and what was he doing? He wasn’t doing anything because he felt like he was giving up on them. He opened his eyes when he heard a plate clattering gently as it was placed in front of him. He glanced away from the windows to the plate, where a cake neatly sat on it. 

Arthur raised his eyebrows as he looked at the owner who baked the cake. Merlin’s cheeks reddened slightly and suddenly, Arthur realised how the red flattered those pronounced cheekbones. Merlin was close to him, he noticed, his breath hitched when the man was standing just barely a feet away. 

“Uhm,” Merlin started, his eyes were soft and nervous. “I just…here.”

“I don’t like sweets,” Arthur said. Merlin grinned as if Arthur had told him something amusing and went to sit in front of him. The blush was still evident on his face, Arthur noted. With the soft hue from the streetlights on the brunet, he looked—mesmerising. Arthur immediately looked away to the cake in front of him with the mug of—tea, Arthur found when he caught on the scent. 

“I think you’ll like this,” Merlin said with a hint of humour. Arthur frowned as he pushed the plate a bit from him. 

“I don’t like sweets, Merlin,” he said as he looked back at the man. “I never favoured sweets.”

“Well, if you tried this, you might like it,” Merlin said with a shrug. When Arthur still looked at him blankly, the brunet licked his lips and leaned against the table. “Please?”

Arthur’s eyes widened a bit when he saw how those eyes looked at him, as if Arthur’s words meant a lot to the man. He felt his neck becoming hot and his heart started to hammer against his chest. He felt the familiar flutters of nervousness in his stomach and for a second, he panicked. 

What the hell was this?

He stood up abruptly. Merlin’s eyes widened as he stared at the man. “I…have to go.”

“Arthur,” Merlin started but Arthur had already started walking away. When Arthur was about to open the door, a hand reached out and grabbed on his right wrist, halting him. Arthur froze, the heart in his chest hammered heavily as the warmth of the palm seeped around his wrist. His mind was blanking and he was beginning to feel the first signs of panic attack creeping at the back of his head. 

“Let me go,” he said harshly, tugging the wrist from Merlin’s grasp, still not turning around to face the man. He looked at the door and caught his faint reflection from the glass door. He looked horrible, he noted. His eyes were wild, and the blue colour seemed to be bright. It made him look—crazy. From behind him, over his shoulder, he saw Merlin, looking at him quietly, his own eyes silently asking him of something. 

What was he doing? 

Why was he being lured into this serenity? 

He didn’t want to be here, he knew that. But Merlin’s smile, his energy, drawn Arthur to him like some moth. It was ridiculous. He had just known him barely over a few weeks. How could Merlin made him felt so crazy already? He was scared, Arthur realised. He was terrified that someone else who wasn’t his wife, someone who he wasn’t comfortable with, had made him feel—weird. 

Made him feel—himself again. 

He closed his eyes shut. 

“Arthur,” Merlin’s voice rang through the empty space between them. Before Arthur could comprehend what was happening, Merlin had touched his shoulder. Arthur wanted to remove the hand, push him away harshly, just to see something—someone break. But the hand felt a bit too heavy on his shoulder and he felt a bit too weak to do that. 

“Why?” Arthur finally asked, his voice croaked as he opened his eyes. “What do you want from me?”

“Nothing,” Merlin said. “I just want to get to know you.”

“I don’t want to though,” Arthur said sharply. His voice shook and his hands trembled as he touched Merlin’s hand on his shoulder. He wanted to push him off but Merlin’s hand simply grabbed his hand and held him firmly. “Merlin.”

“I…I’m not asking for anything,” Merlin said quietly. 

Arthur gathered enough courage and pushed his hand off, detangling them. Arthur knew that even though Merlin said that, he did want something. Whatever it was, Arthur wasn’t ready to give. He walked out of the bakery, his feet carrying him away from there, as fast as he could, as far as he could. 

By the time he had reached his company, he was breathing hard, sweat covering every inch of him. His feet ached and his heart was thundering against his chest heavily. He was mildly aware that he was going slightly hysterical with his thoughts. 

He didn’t know why he felt so peeved with Merlin. 

The man had wanted to be his friend and yet—he…

Arthur didn’t know why friends, just friends, didn’t feel like that was all Merlin wanted. 

Arthur didn’t know why he felt like the brunet wanted something else—something that he wasn’t ready to give, wasn’t ready to give to anyone, not now. Maybe not ever.

 

 

***

 

 

Gwen didn’t even look at him as they ate breakfast quietly. He didn’t have an appetite as he looked at the scrambled eggs. Guinevere wasn’t eating either, he noted. He had come home around four in the morning, crashing straight on the couch instead of the bed. 

He felt confused, hurt, horrified and angry at himself and what not, he felt exhausted. When he woke up, Gwen was already awake, making breakfast. He only heard her say to wash up and that was all he heard her say for a while now. 

“I’m sorry,” Arthur said slowly. Gwen stopped playing with her toast. Her fingers froze from tearing the toast and for a second, she seemed to have frozen, before she looked at him questioningly. “For coming home late. I really did have work. And…I’m sorry. I’ll try harder to come home earlier.”

Gwen looked back down on her plate before she sighed. “It’s alright,” she said, her voice didn’t compliment her words. “I understand. I’ll be leaving to America this Wednesday for a week. Business meetings again.”

“Oh,” Arthur said quietly. He licked his lips as he nervously looked at her. “Are you going alone?”

“No,” Gwen said. She caught his eyes before she said, “Lancelot’s following me.”

Lancelot. That was the name of her partner—the name of the man she was seeing. Arthur looked away from her, his heart constricting in his chest. He closed his eyes for a second before he looked back at her and nodded. 

“Very well,” he said before he stood up. “I’ll get ready for work.”

“Okay,” Gwen said. Her voice went back to this nonchalance that he hated. But lately, that was all he ever heard from her voice, and he didn’t know how to undo that. He shook his head gently as he walked back to their bedroom numbly. Why were they playing this game?

Was Gwen going to come back to him? Was she doing this because she wanted him to acknowledge her? Arthur didn’t know why she was hurting him like this, or maybe, Arthur was hurting her by being with her when she clearly wanted to be with someone else. 

He closed his eyes as he closed the bedroom door and leaned against it. He didn’t know until he took in the next deep breath that he had tears running down his cheeks.

 

 

***

 

 

He met with Merlin again, by accident, when he was walking to his apartment door. Gwen had left to America this morning before he went to work. She didn’t even kiss him, simply uttering her goodbye and left. Arthur hadn’t stopped her. There was a sense of dread in him when he realised she didn’t even say she loved him, like how they used to say before they left for long periods of time. 

Had they drifted apart so far that he couldn’t even bring them back together?

Merlin was walking out of his own apartment when he spotted Arthur. The blond-haired man visibly flinched when he saw his neighbour. He had been avoiding Merlin whenever he could, trying his best to make sure his time didn’t overlap the brunet’s. But apparently today he had failed to do so. 

Merlin looked at him brightly, as if nothing had happened. Arthur stopped thinking for a while, analysing that sentence because really, nothing had happened. If anyone were there, they wouldn’t have thought something happened. Because—the truth was, nothing happened. 

“Hey,” Merlin said. 

Arthur nodded at him curtly before he looked at the key panel gracing his front door. He was about to punch in the keys before Merlin took a step forward and touched his shoulder. Almost immediately, he took a step away from the touch and looked at him. “What?” he asked, his voice monotonous but it held that steel edge to it, a warning. 

Merlin dropped his hand and smiled at him cautiously. “I’m sorry,” he said finally when Arthur continued to stare at him. The apology confused Arthur. Merlin licked his lips again as he shrugged. “I didn’t mean to push you into something you weren't ready or…I…just honestly really wanted to be your friend, you know. I didn’t mean anything by it.”

“I don’t want to know you,” Arthur said, his voice once again sharp. Merlin winced at it before he nodded. 

“I know,” he said quietly. “I just wanted to apologise, I guess.”

Arthur felt guilty when he saw the dejected look on Merlin’s face. Arthur sighed loudly as he ran his fingers through his blond hair. He was tired of everything. He still felt pathetic and this bubbling frustration was making things worse. Merlin, however, just looked at him patiently. 

Arthur knew he must be crazy. He had made it clear, hadn’t he? He didn’t want to know Merlin. He didn’t want to get close to him because he knew that something about this, there was something here that would make things harder for him in the future. But for now, he felt too—needy. He felt too exhausted and Merlin was there, willing to listen to him. Just—willing to be there even if he didn’t know Arthur that well. 

“Come in,” Arthur said as he keyed in the passcode and opened his front door, walking inside. Merlin followed Arthur without hesitation, full of trust, full of—nothing but trust. Arthur stopped walking when he realised that the brunet did trust him, for God’s sakes why. 

“This is a lovely home,” Merlin said as Arthur snapped away from his thoughts. He nodded at Merlin as he took off his coat and hung it on the coat hanger. He then walked to the kitchen, setting up the kettle. “Is…your wife home?”

“No,” Arthur said. “She’s in America.”

“Oh,” Merlin said quietly. Arthur opened the top cabinet to look for the tea bags. “I…I’m sorry again.”

“Stop apologising,” Arthur said as he glanced at the brunet, who was looking at his feet. He rolled his eyes as he went back to searching for the tea bags. “I’m the one…who’s supposed to apologise.”

“It’s alright,” Merlin said, his voice understanding. Arthur gritted his teeth at the tone and slammed the tea bag box when he found them on the counter. The slight gasp he heard from behind him reminded him that Merlin had been shocked at the sudden slam. He smiled ruefully to himself as he sighed. “Arthur, I really don't want to oppose.”

“It didn’t stop you before,” he muttered under his breath as he turned around to look at the man, who was standing unsure in his kitchen, looking nervous and nothing like how he usually looked like. Arthur took a minute to contemplate the look and then—he saw the blush again on Merlin’s face. It took him off guard when he realised…he did that. 

Arthur did that. 

He frowned at the emotions in his chest and sighed again. “Tea?” he asked, changing the subject. Merlin nodded but then he seemed to have caught himself and cleared his throat, his cheeks reddening again. Arthur actually found it endearing on the brunet—but annoying as well because he didn't need to know that he was the one who did this to his neighbour. 

“Yeah,” Merlin said. He smiled and Arthur looked away from the sheer brightness of it. Once he made two cups of tea,he brought them to the living room and set them on the coffee table. Merlin sat on the sofa and took one of the cups, sipping on it as he looked around the room. 

“We’re even now,” Arthur said. Merlin looked at him when he started to speak and raised his eyebrows. “You made me tea. I made you tea.”

Merlin brought the cup down from his lips, looking slightly confused before something washed in the eyes and he nodded. “Does that mean…it’s…done?”

Arthur looked away from the brunet to the coffee table, where his share of tea was still sitting on it calmly. He knew what his words implied. He knew it and he knew it was the right thing to tell Merlin off, that he couldn’t do this—whatever this was that had evolved between them so quickly. 

“I don’t know what you mean,” he said instead and when he glanced at Merlin, he noticed how those blue eyes brightened, even if it was slightly. 

Arthur felt the edges of his fingers going numb. His mind was clawing at him from inside, screaming at him, asking just what the hell he was doing. “If you’re sure,” Merlin said, his voice still cautious. Arthur simply looked at him properly in the eyes, noticing how real those emotions were in those eyes. 

Arthur felt relaxed again, as if he was okay again, as if this ache in his chest had disappeared, like it was never there. 

For that reason, he just smiled. He pretended not to know that his heart gave a loud thump in pleasure when he saw Merlin smiling back at him, bright and happy.

 

 

***

 

He stared at the ceiling, wondering why he had woken up in a start. The fuzziness of the dream swirled in his mind in fear and anger. He was breathing harshly and he was having a hard time figuring out as to why he was feeling this way. He lied on the bed and continued to stare at the ceiling, his eyes felt wet. 

Had he been crying? 

He closed his eyes and took in a deep breath before he sat up, leaning against the headboard. He opened his eyes and stared right ahead at the door, his fingers itching to open the handle and get out of here. This bedroom that once held all their love felt so foreign to him now. The silent in this room was unsettling. 

Arthur glanced at where Gwen usually slept and wasn’t surprised when he saw it was cold and untouched. It had only been two days since she left to America and he—missed her. He knew if he missed her, he should call her, just as a sign that he still wanted her. 

But the truth wasn’t all that simple. Half of him just gave up. Half of him just decided that she was not worth the fight anymore, that what they had couldn’t possibly last and he should’ve known about it since the beginning. Another part of him wanted to just leave. Let her be free, because she didn’t want him anymore. 

He ran his fingers through his blond hair, realising that it was wet at the edges. He got out of the bed, pushing away the blanket from his body and stood up. His feet prickled from the cold floor, but his mind was muddled up. He couldn’t breathe from the silence suffocation. 

Arthur walked out of the bedroom quickly and reached the front door. Shakily, he let himself out of the apartment. Once he was outside, he let his forehead thump on the front door. He was a mess inside. He didn’t know which was right and which wasn’t. 

If only he could hold his own ground like his old man could, maybe he wouldn’t be here. Arthur was never close to his father, but his father had some qualities that was deemed—noble that his son unfortunately didn’t inherit. His blue eyes wandered to the door next to his a few feet away. 

He bit his inner cheek as he stared at the door. Merlin had always been the one to calm his frantic heart and even if it confused him how someone he barely knew before this could make him feel this way, he liked it. The comfort that Merlin gave him had him wishing he could just—stay there. 

He looked away from the door and thumped his forehead against his own door again. His chest just hurt, sometimes from too much pain and sometimes—from this weird feeling he got whenever Merlin smiled at him, encouraged him to let him know how he felt. 

Gwen used to make him feel like that, he noted dully in his mind. 

Now, Merlin was making him feel the same way and it scared him. 

He wasn’t ready to move on, to whatever this was. He hadn’t known he had been shivering until he actually sneezed. But he didn’t make a move to move inside. Arthur felt guilty, he felt horrible, he felt angry at himself for just not being good enough, for not thinking Gwen could be good enough—for letting someone else make him feel this way. Someone who wasn't Gwen.

As if he was punishing himself for this mess, he let himself stand at the hallway with nothing but his thin pyjama pants and a white shirt on. 

 

 

***

 

 

Arthur liked Merlin’s company. He liked how Merlin looked at him as if he could make wonders come true. He liked how he was—cherished in someone else’s eyes. Gwen had never looked at him like that and he found himself comparing his wife and this man in front of him. 

The brunet was persistent, he was calm, taking in Arthur’s moodiness with a stride. Their friendship, their…whatever it was between them, fell into place like it was just meant to be there. Gwen had been frequently disappearing, to one business outings to the next and when Arthur finally did ask the courage to ask her to stay; she barely gave it a thought and shot him down. 

As if he didn’t matter anymore. And it hurt to think that once upon a time, he would’ve given up everything for her if she only asked. And Arthur was no fool, he would still do it in a blink of an eye if she would just look at him. 

So, the time he had in his hands, Merlin slowly occupied it with his bright smiles and pastries. Whenever Arthur walked down the familiar road to Merlin’s bakery, he would find the brunet waiting for him, at the counter, chatting up with some of his other customers or even to his own co-workers. But he would always abandon it all whenever he caught Arthur’s eyes. 

It was like he was all that mattered to the brunet. 

He sometimes wondered if Merlin wanted something else, because he would sometimes catch the man looking at him with a smile that wasn’t entirely too friendly or a look in his eyes that made him feel warm and loved all the same. 

He felt increasingly guilty the more time he spent with Merlin but he didn’t know what else to do, who else to turn, who else who would willing to listen to him. 

“How is it?” Merlin asked as he sat in front of Arthur. His smile was cautious again and his eyes were guarded when Arthur looked at him. He was sitting by the bakery windows again, leaning against the chair as he waited for the brunet to place another cake in front of him. He had taken a bite, just for Merlin’s sake.

He never really favoured anything sweet but the brunet’s sweets weren’t something to ignore. It wasn’t too empowering and Arthur—liked it. It was a wonder how many things he had started to like about the brunet and a sudden wash of fear once again caught him off guard. 

“It’s wonderful,” Arthur said shortly, enough to convey that he liked the cake but not enough to convey the fear beneath it. The brunet nodded happily as he leaned against the chair and sighed gently. The bakery was once again dimly lit, the road outside was empty and the clock against the wall ticked slowly to two in the morning. “You always seemed to be awake so late whenever I seem to stop by. Are you stalking me?”

Merlin looked at him for a second before he bursted out laughing. Arthur froze when he heard the laugh, his shoulders stiffened and his heart started to pick up speed against his chest. The laughter washed over him like a warm blanket and once again, he was stuck. He was stuck with this fear in his heart. 

He was scared again and he was unsure of why. 

“Stalking you?” Merlin asked as he stopped laughing, just letting a few chuckles to pass through his lips. “Now why would I do that?”

Arthur didn’t reply, but he had kept his eyes locked in those orbs, that were now staring at him amused. “I don’t know,” he said slowly after a minute. Merlin looked at him carefully before something in the atmosphere shifted. 

“I,” Merlin started but he didn’t continue. Arthur found himself just staring at the brunet, not letting his gaze wander off. His heart started to beat loudly against his chest again and in this dimly lit bakery, he was beginning to become self-aware of his surrounding. 

Merlin then stood up and leaned on his palms, closing the distance between them. Arthur felt his breath hitching in his throat when their faces were barely an inch away. He started to panic, he could feel the thrums of anxiety slowly clogging up his veins. 

“Merlin,” he whispered, the name came out more like a plea. A plea for what, he didn’t know. Merlin simply closed the distance a bit more and before Arthur knew it, a pair of lips brushed against his in a chaste manner. His mind went blank almost immediately and his neck felt hot. 

Arthur’s heart felt—different. The kiss held his ground and the panic strums gently subsided as he found himself closing his eyes. Before he could comprehend what he was doing, he kissed Merlin back, his right hand cradling the brunet’s face and with the courage he didn’t think he had in him, he kissed the man hard. 

Merlin responded immediately and everything about them being connected in this way clicked right in place. He broke the kiss after a long time, feeling himself breathing for air as he opened his eyes. His eyes widened when he saw Merlin’s face, his lips swollen and his cheeks red. 

His body jolted at the look on his face and then—everything crashed on him. He pushed Merlin away and stood up harshly, the once-gone panic rushed back into his system without mercy. He gasped as he looked away from the brunet, stunned at what just happened. 

He touched his lips and licked it, tasting Merlin in his mouth. Guilt, a moment later, crashed into him and before Merlin could do anything, he rushed out of the bakery. 

Fear once again clogged his veins, making it hard for him to breathe. 

He was burning inside though when he realised it that night, once safe in his apartment, his back flushed against the front door. His body was burning and when he had calmed down, he noted he felt—right with Merlin. He slipped to the ground, laughing to himself brokenly as he felt the cold glint of the wedding ring touching his face. 

He was such a fucking mess.

 

 

***

 

 

Arthur vaguely remembered Gwen talking about her business trip, as they ate their dinner at one of the fanciest restaurants there was in this city. It was a day after Gwen had returned from Germany and she wanted to eat dinner out with him tonight. 

The blond-haired man simply nodded, smiling numbly at her as she started to talk. He listened to her quietly, relishing on the fact that it had been such a long time since he had heard her voice. It wasn’t as soothing as he remembered, he realised halfway through the dinner. 

“Arthur?” she asked, her voice genuinely curious as she caught his attention. The blond-haired man looked at her, trying to smile apologetically but his smile faltered at the corners. She looked at him properly before she sighed. “Have you been listening to a single word I was saying?”

“No,” Arthur said honestly. His mind barely held back the word from escaping his mouth. His mind had been occupied about what happened to him, what he had done, a week ago. Merlin had been occupying his thoughts ever since then and he could barely function without breaking down laughing at his foolishness or feeling like he should just cry and scream at his confusion. 

“You don’t look very well,” she said finally and Arthur barely held himself from snapping at her. He looked at her again and nodded. 

“I’m afraid I’m a little under the weather,” he lied through his teeth. The guilt once again took over him without giving him room to breathe. He was getting sick of caring and he wanted nothing more but for Gwen to end this charade. He wanted something solid to hold onto. 

Why couldn’t he just get that? Gwen stared at him for a long time before she nodded and stood up. “Let’s go home,” she said, her voice lost all of its pretend joy. Arthur almost sighed in relief as he nodded and stood up as well. He never liked this restaurant anyway, treating him like some royalty just because he inherited his father’s company. 

A Pendragon was a name that was well known, respected and adored by many globally. He was well sought out in every aspects but it was funny, that at the end of the day, he was still feeling lonely. He glanced at his wife as she drove the car back to their apartment. He smiled weakly to himself as he looked away from her to the passing scenery. 

For a while, Gwen had made him feel less lonely and now, he was back to square one again. 

Self-loath sneered at him, making him think about Merlin, the person who now held the key to make him feel less lonely, more self-worth. He thumped his head against the window and closed his eyes. 

His head hurt a lot.

 

 

 

***

 

 

Merlin found him when he was leaving the apartment one more week later from the incident. Gwen had left him again, off to wherever she had said, knowing full well that Arthur knew she was lying. His bitter numb heart had felt nothing when she packed again, telling him, spinning off more lies that she was busy, that she was needed again for some other business. 

Arthur almost yelled at her, told her to stop lying, to end this. But the insecurity and fear once again held him back from exposing the truth, because really, who else could possibly want him for him if he left her? He would be lonely again and there was where his fear lied. 

He didn’t want to be alone. 

The brunet just stood in front of him, his eyes were serious and he held himself strong and steady. Arthur simply closed the front door and stood a few feet away from him, his back firmly against the door, watching Merlin with narrowed defensive eyes. “What?” he asked when Merlin made no move to let him leave. 

“I need to talk to you,” he said. Arthur simply looked away and sighed. 

“Not now,” he said and as he was about to walk away, Merlin had taken a step forward, forcing Arthur to stand against the door again. He looked at the brunet annoyed, furrowing his eyebrows. “Merlin—”

“I need to talk to you,” Merlin insisted. “Please.”

Arthur thinned his lips as his heart betrayed him for the umpteenth time. His heart started to beat steadily against his chest with this—want. It was waiting to be full again and Merlin was there, ready, waiting. Arthur closed his eyes and thumped the back of his head against the door gently. 

He wished he could untangle himself from this web easily without getting even more hurt. But the more he cared about what he felt, the more he wanted to let himself believe he was fine, the more he was dying inside. When he opened his eyes to find Merlin still waiting for Arthur to speak, he gave up. He turned around and unlocked his front door, walking inside with a silent invitation. 

Merlin followed him without hesitation and just as the front door closed, Merlin had taken a step forward and flushed himself against Arthur’s back. His arms were neatly wounded around the blond’s waist and Arthur froze. 

The brunet kept himself close and Arthur felt the warmth seeping through the clothes dangerously. His breath hitched and his shoulder rounded. His mind was blanking at each passing seconds before he looked down at the hands that were circling him. 

“What are you doing?” Arthur asked quietly. Something about them, being like this, fitted well. It felt right, nothing like how he felt with Gwen before. It was like—they were meant for each other. 

“I,” Merlin started. “I…I don’t…Please.”

Arthur didn’t know what he was asking for. Arthur didn’t know what Merlin was trying to imply. But whatever it was, his body knew. He closed his eyes tightly, gulping down the slight shots of panic and—anticipation. “I’m married,” he finally said, the words felt hollow at the tip of his tongue.

The hands around his waist tightened. “I know,” Merlin said, his voice thick with something unknown. Arthur couldn’t figure out why the tone felt familiar but he was beyond thinking at the moment. 

“I can’t,” Arthur continued but he knew he started to sound weak. Merlin sighed as he slowly straightened himself, gently nudging Arthur to turn around and look at him. “Merlin, we can’t.”

“I know,” Merlin said quietly. When Arthur opened his eyes to look at the brunet, he couldn’t deny any more. He missed his lips, he missed the warmth and even if it had been two weeks since he had last seen Merlin, he felt like he was missing a part of him. Conflicted, scared, confused and what not, he licked his lips. Merlin’s face was close to his and just like that day in the bakery, he was stuck again. 

“Please,” Arthur said and now, he wasn’t sure what he himself meant either, but Merlin made up his mind and the lips met his again. His hands gathered the brunet closed to him almost immediately and he closed his eyes and kissed him back. 

The feeling in him bubbled wildly and he felt—free for a second. The kiss electrified him and it was cliche really at how easily he felt full and colourful. But he did and he kissed him back harder, tilting his head just a few inches to the left and slotted their mouths together. 

Merlin keened into the kiss as they broke apart for air. Arthur felt the gentle thrums of panic again, starting to clog his mind when Merlin’s hands touched his cheeks, bringing him back to Earth, to them, to now as he opened his eyes. “Stay with me,” Merlin said slowly. “I…know, you’re married. But…I…can’t you be with me?”

“You know I can’t,” Arthur said but Merlin only smiled in that self-depreciating way. 

“Please,” Merlin said. “I know you want me too.”

“I do want you,” Arthur said, letting the truth out even if it made him felt guilty. Yet, he felt relieved as well. He could admit it and he knew, he was doomed right there and then. He opened his mouth to push Merlin again but the hands were warm against him and he felt…different. “I shouldn’t. We can’t. But…I couldn’t not want you.”

Merlin laughed a bit even if it sounded horrible. “I…”

But Merlin didn’t continue and shook his head before he leaned in and kissed him again. Arthur, for the first time in his life, just shut down his brain and kissed Merlin back, resigned.

 

 

***

 

 

He woke up, feeling different, as if the pain he harboured these past few months started to fade away. He lied on his bed, the sun rays passing through the smalls cracks of the curtains coloured his bedroom in bright hue orange. He raised his hand and stared at the wedding ring, his mind buzzing lightly. 

Arthur knew he was heading down a road that would only complicate things. It wouldn’t solve anything, in fact, he was going to hurt more than just himself. But he was just so damn tired of feeling, of thinking, of just—being alive. 

He had been surviving, alive without much to look forward to and there was a time when Gwen had made him feel like he could live forever if she just stayed next to him. He realised that it had been a long time since he felt that way and wondered when it all stopped. 

He dropped his hand on his chest and sighed loudly. Arthur had kissed Merlin yesterday. He was confused by the end of the night, as the brunet left him with a warm smile. He didn’t think emotionally he could be attached to someone before. Someone like Merlin. 

Gender mattered less to him, he didn’t have qualms about it. He knew his heart would simply choose someone it trusted to fall, albeit it being a male or a female. 

He rarely ventured to the other side though, mainly because Gwen had him wrapped around her finger so quickly. He smiled to himself thinking about the first time he saw her. She was awkward but she still had that smile on her face that made him think he could take over the world. 

She encouraged him do things he was scared to do, try new things that he didn’t think he could do. She made him feel better about himself for a while and he thought she was the one. Now, it seemed like he had made a wrong turn and everything between them was dead. 

She moved on to someone she could genuinely be with forever meanwhile Arthur stood at the T-junction, unsure of which road to take. Merlin was there though, and Arthur knew that if he went with this, there would be something more expected of him. 

He sighed shakily as he looked at the ceiling again, letting the silence cloud his mind heavily.

 

 

***

 

 

“You okay?” Merlin asked, a smile gracing his lips as Arthur was walking next to him. He had his hands down his pockets and his eyes directly ahead of him, not really paying attention to the world around him. He glanced at the brunet, raising his eyebrows before he gave him a smile back. 

“Not really,” he admitted. Merlin simply snorted under his breath before Arthur was pushed suddenly. He stumbled a few inches away from the brunet. The blond-haired man snapped his gaze on Merlin, frowning. What was that for? 

Merlin simply laughed, boyishly and happily. “Serves you right for not listening to me.”

Arthur’s confusion melted away to amusement. Without warning, he straightened himself and took a few steps forwards to the brunet. Merlin’s smile widened, not a hint of fear as he looked at the blond. Before Merlin could do anything, Arthur had placed his hands on Merlin’s head. 

“Hey…what—”

“You really shouldn’t have done that,” Arthur said calmly and the only indication that he wasn’t serious was the smile playing on his lips. Merlin narrowed his eyes and Arthur grinned. He then looped his other hand around Merlin’s neck and dragged him close to his chest, the hand on the head started to roughly mess up the brunet’s hair. 

“Hey!” Merlin squawked indignantly. “Hey—Arthur! Stop it, you prat! Arthur!”

Arthur laughed as he was finally pushed away. Merlin straightened himself, his cheeks flushed in exhaustion and his hair a mess. “Looks good on you,” Arthur mocked with humour. Merlin frowned but his eyes were showing signs of amusement. They stared at each other before Merlin ended up laughing. He fixed his hair before he shook his head. 

“You’re such a boy,” he said and Arthur rolled his eyes. 

“You’re such a girl,” Arthur said as he cleared his throat, realising that he was in public. He straightened himself and fixed his posture. Merlin simply frowned again, seeming to take it as an insult and Arthur found himself liking that look on the brunet’s face. He wondered for a second what that really said about himself. 

“Come on,” Merlin said at last, sighing defeated as he smiled warmly. “I’m hungry. You promised lunch.”

“You’re the one who dragged me out of my office,” Arthur pointed out. “And I’m not even allowed to drive.”

“I wanted to walk with you,” Merlin said as he took a step closer to the blond. Arthur looked at him, his smile dying on his face and everything humorous vanished. His heart started to pick up speed against his chest and his face felt hot. He couldn't remember the last time he had laughed this brightly, the last time he had felt like he could be himself without caring what the public saw him as. 

For a while, he realised, he didn’t think about keeping up with the Pendragon image. 

When Merlin’s eyes glimmered with intent, he took a step back and separated them. Arthur still was aware about other eyes, the prying eyes though despite how he felt at the end of the day. He was still afraid of the loneliness, of dejection. He shook his head as he looked away. “Let’s go,” he said softly and without another word, Merlin followed him.

 

 

***

 

 

He knew, one way or the other, they would end up to this. Arthur was in Merlin’s apartment, sitting at the sofa as Merlin chatted about his day. The brunet was animatedly chatty and Arthur felt like he could get used to this before he snapped himself out of it. It wasn’t going to last long, he reminded himself. Sooner or later, this thing will end just like how Gwen and him ended up becoming. 

Pendragons always ended up alone, it was in their blood, it was how they were going to die out eventually one day. Arthur didn’t feel calm every time he left Merlin, going back to Gwen whenever she was around. A month had passed since Arthur had crossed a line with the brunet that he felt like he couldn’t come back from and the panic only gradually increased with guilt. 

Every time Gwen looked at him, he felt horrible because he always ended up comparing her with Merlin. He would end up comparing how he felt whenever he was with her and when he was with him. Arthur sometimes tried to hold back from showing his emotions too much on his face when he was with the brunet, just for the sake that he could feel like he was justifying his actions. 

But he knew, there was no excuse for what he was doing. 

He was no better than Gwen and by the end of the day, he was going to wither away alone. 

A hand touched his shoulder, jolting him out of his thoughts. Merlin had stopped talking, looking at him with a smile, warm and tiny, on his face. Arthur looked at him before he smiled back but something must’ve shown on his face because the next thing he knew, the brunet had placed both of his hands on his face and leaned in close until their noses were touching. 

“What are you thinking about?” he asked gently. Arthur sighed before he slipped his hands over the brunet’s body, pulling him close. 

“Nothing,” he lied. Merlin simply gave him that smile again, the smile that told him that Arthur could never lie well. When Merlin didn’t kiss him, just stared at him, their noses occasionally brushing against each other, he slumped his shoulders in defeat and leaned in close, their lips now brushed teasingly. “What are we doing?” he asked finally.

“What do you mean?” the brunet whispered, one of the hand slowly moving to the back of his head, the fingers going through his blond hair. 

“What are we?” Arthur asked. “I can’t help but wonder if what I’m doing is right or wrong. I don’t know what we’re doing or why I’m allowing this to happen. I can’t…I can’t love you, Merlin. I can’t leave her either. I…can’t give you anything you want but…but this.”

Merlin went deadly quiet, just breathing before he pulled Arthur close and kissed him. The kiss was desperate and it poured everything in between them into the open air. Arthur closed his eyes and kissed him back almost immediately, one hand cradling the brunet’s face and the other just holding him close by the waist. 

Merlin never answered him, just kissing him, just letting Arthur touch him as much as he wanted. As he pushed Merlin down on the sofa, as he detangled himself to look at Merlin lying beneath him with such bright eyes filled with emotions, he felt his heart squeezing tightly and painfully. “I can’t,” Arthur said brokenly. He touched Merlin’s cheeks and caressed them with his thumb, admiring the soft skin for a second. He was scared, he couldn’t do this if emotions were going to be involved. 

He wasn’t ready. He might never be. Arthur needed Merlin to know that this wasn’t fair. This would only end up with them being dead inside. But Merlin only touched his face, squeezing his face in between his hands. “I’ll only take whatever you’re willing to give. I promise. Please…I just want you.”

“There’s nothing you want from me,” Arthur said slowly, his face slowly descending again. “There’s nothing worth it for you to want from me.”

“There’s more to you than I could possibly need,” Merlin said softly as the hands looped around the blond’s neck and pulled his body against his. “Please, don’t leave me.”

“Why?” Arthur asked. He was genuinely perplexed sometimes as to what Merlin saw in him. He couldn’t have done anything that could warrant to such attention, to such adoration. 

“I just want you,” Merlin said, his own eyes seemed to dull slightly. “I…I want you. If you’ll have me.” For the first time, Arthur saw insecurity in those eyes, doubting himself if he was what Arthur wanted. To be honest, he didn’t even know himself of what he wanted, more less what he needed. But for now, he felt like he could depend on the brunet. For now, he could feel like he could let go, even if it was for a while. 

He smiled a bit as he shook his head and pushed his head against he brunet’s neck, rubbing his nose against the junction between his shoulder and collarbone. Merlin wrapped his arms around him firmly, hugging him as they listened quietly to the peace around them. “You make me feel like I don’t have to think so much about who I’m supposed to be,” Arthur admitted. “I don’t know why. You make me feel like I can be myself and be enough.”

“That’s because you’re enough,” Merlin said in his ear and he shuddered gently, not knowing how much he had wanted to hear that for a while now. He closed his eyes tight as the tear welled up in his eyes. He raised his head and looked down on Merlin, who only looked at him earnestly. “You make me feel happy. I didn’t tell you this because I was scared you’ll run away but…you make me feel like I can forget about the world and just…stay here. I feel happy with you. I never have been so happy to have met someone before. I…I know you’re married and I know…I know you’re—but…I….I feel wanted. Am I reading this wrong? If I am, tell me and we’ll end this. I don’t want—”

Arthur couldn’t stand seeing the doubt filling those eyes that had given him so much faith. He kissed him, cutting Merlin off from his rambling. “I want you,” he said. “I want you. I don’t know why yet and I probably won’t ever know. I can’t even promise you anything else but me being here. But I do want you.”

“It’ll be enough,” Merlin said slowly as he leaned up and kissed him again. “It’ll be enough.”

And for that night, he let himself believe it as he let Merlin drag him down under the sheets. Slipping past every wall he had built for himself, for that night, he let Merlin have him. And as scary as it all seemed when this was all over, he didn’t want to regret it. That night, he felt different, he felt needed—and for a moment, he felt loved.

 

 

***

 

 

Gwen was looking at him, her lips thinned. “It’s our wedding anniversary, Arthur,” she spat out in disdain. “You’re leaving on our wedding anniversary.”

Arthur flinched at the tone but he didn’t slow down from packing. He couldn’t afford to see her in the face. She seemed affectionate all of a sudden, seem to have begun acting like how she did when they first started out. But Arthur, he didn’t know what to do with that information. If any other day, he would’ve jumped in joy, would’ve thought that maybe everything was turning for the better but right now, he just felt—different.

He only could think about Merlin at the back of his mind. He could only think about how sooner he could get back to the brunet, how sooner he could touch him, how sooner he could kiss him. He felt guilty almost immediately as he stopped moving and sighed, standing near the suitcase which was left on his bed. 

“I’m sorry,” was all he could say as he rubbed his face, the wedding ring felt cold, pressed against his nose. “I’m sorry, Gwen.”

“How could you just,” Gwen started only to huff out harshly. “You can’t leave. Please, Arthur. Postpone this, just stay with me.”

Arthur felt as if he couldn’t breathe, as if a stone had lodged itself in his veins. His mind blanking as he glanced at her. He wished he could give her what she wanted. He wished he could say he wanted the same thing and the longer she made him wait, the more he wanted this nightmare to end. 

“I,” Arthur started but then he stopped himself. He didn’t know what to do. If he left, it clearly meant he was giving this up, this security up forever. If he stayed, he would be indulging himself in more guilt, more of this complicated mess. She took a step forward, her hands reached out for him before she placed them on his face. 

The warmth that assaulted his senses had him tensing for a second. He looked at her as she stood in front of him, a smile on her face but her eyes telling a different story. “Please,” she pleaded, in the same manner that Merlin had said to him that night, three months ago. Pleaded him to stay with him, pleaded him to try and be with him even if he could never love him. She leaned into him and before Arthur could do anything, she kissed him. 

Her lips were warm and soft, nothing like Merlin’s. He couldn’t find himself to kiss back though, his mind went back to Merlin, to him, to how he would’ve looked if he found out Arthur was kissing Gwen. He closed his eyes shut and wretched his lips away from hers, feeling like someone had robbed half of his heart. When he opened his eyes, Gwen was staring at him defeated. 

She nodded as she dropped her hands to her sides and turned around to leave him alone. Arthur wished he could say something but he didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t that of a jerk to have both love with him. He didn’t want any if it was going to hurt anybody. He slumped against the edge of the bed harshly, running his fingers through his hair in exhaustion. 

What did she wanted from him? What should he do? 

He felt like screaming, crying and just throwing something at the wall. At the end, he just let himself drown quietly in this pain and confusion. 

 

 

***

 

 

Gwen didn’t speak to him as he returned from his business trip. She simply made him dinner, she asked about how his job went and she went to bed like she was done with him. Even when Arthur gave her the gift he bought for her, a necklace he thought would look nice on her, she simply thanked him and put the necklace away in the dresser, left untouched. She didn’t even try it on. 

Arthur hadn’t even seen Merlin for the past week, hadn’t contacted him, hadn’t answered his calls when he did call. He didn’t know why he was doing this to himself. Half of him wanted to just take everything and leave, to head back to Merlin and the other half wanted him to stay, comfortable with the sense of security Gwen was willing to give to him. 

The doorbell rang in the middle of his thoughts. Gwen left the bedroom to open the door, Arthur following behind her quietly. She opened the front door and he froze behind her when he saw it was Merlin. “Oh, Merlin!” Gwen said, slightly surprised to see him. Merlin simply looked at her and smiled warmly, as if they had been best friends. He didn’t even glance at Arthur, who stood frozen, unsure of what to do. 

“Hello, Gwen,” he said. “I was just wondering if you had a cup of sugar.”

Arthur watched quietly, still stuck in his spot behind Gwen, as the woman nodded. “Sure, please wait,” she said with light humour in her tone. Arthur was left alone with Merlin and he just continued to stare at the brunet. He looked at him closely, noting how the eyes, when it landed on him, was filled with—hurt. 

He bit his inner cheek and Merlin sighed gently when Arthur made no notion to say anything. “Here,” Gwen said as she handed him a cup of sugar in it. “Forgotten grocery shopping, huh?”

Merlin looked at her and smiled. “Apparently so,” he said before his eyes landed on Arthur just for a fraction. “Well, I better get going then. I’m baking a new recipe.”

“Oh, is it for your bakery?” Gwen asked good-naturedly and Arthur frowned gently, wondering how Gwen knew about the bakery. Merlin nodded before he raised the cup of sugar. 

“You both should come by one time,” he said. “I’ll let you try my specialities for free.”

“Oh, unfortunately my husband doesn’t like sweets,” Gwen said as she glanced at Arthur. “He’s always been slightly cold like that.”

Arthur felt a sharp pang going through his chest at the words, knowing there was another meaning to that. Merlin looked at Arthur before he smiled, but the smile didn’t reach his eyes. “I see,” Merlin said. “I believe people can be persuaded given time.”

“Hardly,” Gwen said as she scoffed. 

“Oh wells, I’ll leave you two then,” Merlin said as he looked back at Gwen. “Thank you for the cup of sugar. I’ll see you soon then, Gwen.” After a minute, he said, “Arthur.”

When the front door was closed, Gwen simply sighed and shook her head. “I’m going to bed,” she said as she walked past the blond to get to their bedroom. Arthur was left staring at the front door, knowing he had hurt Merlin. 

He clenched his fist tight as he looked at the door. Unable to contain this need to see his face, he hollered, “I’m heading out for a minute,” and walked out of the apartment. He closed the door and immediately saw Merlin, leaning against his own door, looking at the cup of sugar peevishly. 

“Took you long enough,” the brunet said under his breath as he sighed. “My bakery?” he asked though his voice held no desire to talk further. 

Arthur simply watched him for a minute before he nodded. Merlin then turned around and walked away, Arthur followed him closely.

 

 

***

 

 

“I’m sorry,” Arthur apologised, the minute they entered the bakery. They took a bus to get here, none talking to each other even if Arthur knew Merlin had wanted to say more. The brunet simply sighed as he placed the cup of sugar he had been carrying on one of the empty tables of the dark bakery. 

“A…a cup of sugar, Arthur,” Merlin said as he turned to look at the blond, his emotions clearly showing on his face. Hurt, anger but what seemed like understanding was seen in those orbs and Arthur frowned in slight confusion. Such complex emotions and Arthur had no idea how to deal with them firstly. “I had to see you by asking her for a cup of bloody sugar!”

“I’m sorry,” Arthur said hurriedly, his heart beating heavily against his chest as he took a step forward. The brunet sighed again as he ran his fingers through his hair. 

“I…I missed you, you know,” he said gently under his breath. “I wanted to see you. I wanted to hear your voice. But you didn’t answer your phone and I thought maybe you needed space. But you wouldn’t even…I know I said I’ll understand and I do. I just can’t help being hurt, that’s all.”

“I’m sorry,” Arthur said, sounding like a broken record. “She was home and she—she kissed me, Merlin. She wanted me back. She—she sounded like she wanted to make this work again and I—”

“And you want her back?” Merlin asked, his eyes now went emotionless and his lips thinned. “Do—do you?”

“I,” Arthur started. “I don’t know.”

Merlin didn’t dignify that with an answer and nodded. “I know,” Merlin said slowly. “I know I can never be as important as her. I know that and yet—why couldn’t I not want you?”

Arthur, then, at that moment, placed his hands on Merlin’s shoulders and grabbed him close before he wrapped his arms around the body. He buried his face into the mop of hair that he found himself liking. The warmth that assaulted him made him felt relaxed and suddenly, he knew then that Gwen could never make him feel this way again. This man here, in his arms, had the only key he had to feeling like he could breathe again. 

Gwen used to have the key one time but now, he seemed to have given it to Merlin. He didn't want Merlin to leave him, he realised with a startling conclusion. “Don’t,” Arthur whispered under his breath. “Don’t leave me.”

Merlin hugged him tight. “I couldn’t even if I wanted to,” Merlin said. “I can’t.”

Arthur’s heart stopped beating at the confession but he didn’t want to admit anything at the moment. “I’m sorry,” he said slowly, the arms around the brunet tightened. “I’m sorry.”

“I forgive you,” Merlin said softly, hugging him back. “I just missed you so much.”

“I missed you too,” Arthur said. Merlin detangled him before he kissed Arthur, without waiting for the blond-haired man to realise what was happening. For a second, he froze like he usually did but his heart seemed to have given up on all the restraint he had and kissed him back. He felt this relief washing into him when Merlin seemed to not being going anywhere. 

His heart started to flutter and his mind slowly blanked again. It was like he was floating in mid air and he didn't know how much he had missed the brunet until now. He felt like he never wanted to let this feeling go, whatever this was.

 

 

***

 

 

“Stay,” the pale hands grabbed his wrist as he tried to leave. He looked at the brunet, who was covered under the sheets, his eyes tired. “Stay.”

“Merlin,” Arthur said gently, one leg out of the bed, already heading to search for his clothes. His heart picked up speed as he continued to take in how the brunet looked at the moment. His hair was messed up, the locks fell on his face gently and his face looked ten years younger, if that was possible. Arthur felt this strong desire to stay as well, just drag the body close to his, closer than he already could, and hold him. 

But he didn’t allow himself to cajole this fantasy. He had to leave, that was how he treated this between them. He didn’t want to get even more attached than how he was, scared, still terrified at this thing between them even if he knew that he wanted this now. 

“Gwen won’t be back until the day after tomorrow, right?” Merlin said gently, as he dropped his hand from the blond’s wrist. “Stay.”

“People will talk,” Arthur said, but his voice came out weak. 

“And that’s all they’ll be good for,” Merlin said with a tired smile, his eyes slipping. “Just…stay for a second.”

Arthur watched how the brunet succumbed to sleep easily. Arthur sighed gently under his breath, his heart constricting at the picture in front of him. He gently placed a hand on Merlin’s hair and ran the slightly wet locks of hair through his fingers. They fell into bed easily, easier than he could do with Gwen. And he never felt this compelled to stay before and he wished he could. 

He closed his eyes tight at the dilemma but he just couldn’t risk it. He leaned down and kissed the brunet’s head. “I’m sorry,” he said as he got out of the bed, looking for his clothes and wearing them. He glanced at himself at the full-body mirror before he left and stopped when he caught his reflection. 

This person he was seeing—seemed alive. He didn’t look like the broken man he saw a few months ago. He touched his face and frowned gently when he realised—he felt different too. He didn’t feel hurt much anymore. Sometimes, he would feel a stab or two whenever he caught Gwen’s eyes on him, but he didn’t feel like he was being torn from inside anymore. 

It took him a while to understand that Merlin had managed to heal him and that revelation made him shiver in this dose of panic. He snapped his gaze at the man sleeping on the bed and he clenched his hands into a fist at his sides. His eyes widened at the fact that he had let Merlin in, that he had let the brunet touch him deeper than anyone else did. 

He quickly turned around and dashed out of the apartment, like some coward as the reality sunk in. As he had stumbled into his own apartment and leaned against the front door once he was inside, he sunk to the ground in shock. His hands shook as he brought them to his face. 

Arthur couldn’t believe this. He couldn’t believe the gall of this situation. He stared ahead at the dark apartment blankly, frustrated and scared again. How was he going to tell Gwen? Was he ready to move on after all? But he still couldn’t imagine leaving this security he possessed. He leaned against the door again and let the back of his head hit the door. 

 

 

***

 

 

Gwen was getting colder, and it was no surprise that she barely gave him a glance when she came back from another one of her trips. Arthur had long given up trying to remember what trip it was. His smartphone started ring from next to his laptop as he worked on the kitchen table. He looked at the caller ID and froze. 

He glanced away from the phone to the entryway of the kitchen and when Gwen didn’t seem to make an effort to come into the kitchen anytime soon, he decided to answer the call with a simple ‘Hello.’

“Hey,” Merlin’s voice rung through, but it didn’t sound right. Arthur squared his shoulders and tried to thump down another wash of panic when he realised he could now read the brunet without much thought. God, how deep had he let the brunet in? For fuck’s sakes, this was going to end badly, he could just feel it in his guts. 

“What do you want?” Arthur said, his voice coming out harsh by accident, evident of panic. Merlin went quiet at the end of the line and the blond-haired man felt guilty almost immediately. Gentler, he said, “What’s wrong?”

Merlin sighed on the other side. “Nothing, I just…wanted to hear your voice but you seem to be in a bad mood,” Merlin said quietly. Arthur knew that the brunet wanted to see him. It had been two days since he had left Merlin’s apartment, not even bothering to stay like how the brunet had pleaded him so. 

“I can’t,” Arthur said, his voice low. He cringed at how secretive he was acting. He felt this another pang of panic in his chest and god, he wished he could just end this entire charade and breathe properly. 

“Oh,” Merlin said and his voice seemed to have gone dimmer. Arthur gritted his teeth as he stood up. His heart lurched painfully at the voice. He honestly hated to hear that dimmed voice, that sad look, or anything negative from Merlin mainly because it didn’t fucking fit his personality. And to think that Arthur had done that made him feel like an absolute prat. 

“Where the fuck are you?” Arthur asked, his voice tight. 

“Bakery,” Merlin said. “Can you—”

“I’ll be there,” Arthur said and without waiting for Merlin to reply, he disconnected the line. He was breathing harshly, he noted when he could finally wrap his head around this. He shook his head as he grabbed his wallet and car keys, not even bothering to let Gwen know where he was going. She didn’t even ask either, just staring right ahead into her own laptop at the living room. 

Arthur drove as fast he could, his body jittery and his mind messed up from this confusion. He reached the bakery, parking his car at the first parking spot he could find and just went into the bakery. It took him a few seconds to realise that the bakery was open, filled with customers and Merlin already seemed to be busy with a customer. 

Arthur felt his irritation spike. He didn’t know why he felt like he wanted to chase everyone out of the bakery just so that Merlin would look at him. He drove all the way here just after hearing Merlin’s voice and he felt irrationally frustrated that now the brunet seemed to be working. It didn’t take long for Merlin to look up and catch Arthur’s eyes, his eyes widening in what seemed like surprise. 

“Arthur,” he said as he walked up to the blond. Arthur simply raised his eyebrows in irritation. “I…You’re here.”

Arthur’s own face reddened for a second before he huffed out loud. “I’m just going to go. You’re obviously busy.”

“N—No!” Merlin said, his eyes still wide and frantic. “Wait here.”

Arthur didn’t have time to retaliate when Merlin unlaced his apron, moving to the counter before talking to one of the other worker behind the counter. He then jogged back to Arthur and smiled, as if by the blond’s appearance, he had lit Merlin’s day. 

The thought pleased and made him uncomfortable at the same time. He frowned as he walked out of the bakery and Merlin pointed to the left. “Where are we going?” Arthur asked as he followed the brunet. 

“Just a cafe a few blocks from here,” Merlin said. “I didn’t think you would come.”

“I didn’t want to,” Arthur said, snappishly. Merlin flinched a bit but the brunet kept his eyes glued on the pavement as they continued to walk. After a while, Merlin finally sighed. 

“You didn’t stay.”

Arthur had to take a few moments to really understand what Merlin meant. He frowned deeper as he ran his fingers through his hair. “I couldn’t, I told you that.”

“Yeah but,” Merlin started but stopped himself. He then looked at Arthur, his teeth worrying his bottom lip. “But she wouldn’t be coming home until today and—and…nobody would’ve…I just wanted you stay for a while.”

Arthur’s shoulders rounded as he stopped walking and looked at him sharply. “And I told you, I can’t. I can’t do that. You know that. I’m fucking married, Merlin, if that’s what you’re having trouble remembering. In case you also forgot, you’re the other person in this relationship. I’m cheating on her with you. So, for fuck’s sakes, no, I couldn’t fucking stay.”

He hadn’t realised he had spouted out in malice until he saw the flash of hurt in Merlin’s eyes. That irritated Arthur even more because he hated this feeling he was inflicting on the brunet. He didn’t want to hurt him. He wanted to make him happy, he wanted to kiss him, touch him, be with him in ways that he was too afraid to think of. 

“I know,” Merlin said slowly. “I wasn’t—I didn’t forget, Arthur. I just…I know I’m sharing you, you think it doesn’t hurt me that I have to see you leave every time we…”

“You knew exactly what you were getting into when we agreed to this,” Arthur seethed as he took a step forward. “I told you I can’t give you anything you want. You’re the one who said it’ll be enough!”

“And it is!” Merlin said, his voice broke in the middle. “I know what I said, okay? Goddamnit, but I just can’t help but to want all of you, okay? I—I wanted you to stay every time we’re together. I wanted to kiss you in public and I wanted to just hug you whenever I feel like it. I know, okay? I can’t have any of it and I know I sound very stupid, idiotic, to put myself through this but I don’t know how else I can have you.”

“You can’t have me,” Arthur said, finally. “I can’t let you have me for yourself.”

“And I hate that,” Merlin said, and Arthur could see the unshed tears in those eyes. “I hate it. I know you won’t leave her and yet, here I am—At first, I just really liked you and I knew you were married and I tried to stay away but then you come to my bakery, and you smile as if you couldn’t believe you’re this happy with me and I wanted to kiss you so badly and I did. And I freaked out too because you’re bloody married. But—I couldn’t stay away. God, before I knew it, after I promised myself I’ll just be with you until I’m satisfied with you so I could live on—”

Arthur flinched at the hard truth. But Merlin didn’t seem to notice as he continued, “But then before I knew it, I fucking fell for you and now here I am, asking for more when I promised you I wouldn’t demand more.”

The blond took a few seconds to register the words before his eyes widened. A sharp noise filled his head as he took a step away from Merlin. His eyes narrowed and he felt this pain at the back of his head. He couldn’t accept the truth, couldn’t handle this fact and Merlin seemed to have stopped himself when he realised what he had said too. “Arthur,” he started but the blond-haired man took another sharp step back and glared at him. 

“Stay away from me,” Arthur said and Merlin stopped closing in on him. 

“Arthur,” he started. “I—I didn’t—”

“You didn’t mean it?” Arthur asked. “You meant it, Merlin. You’re in love with me.”

“I,” Merlin began but then he sighed in resign and nodded. “I’m in love with you.”

Arthur felt another shot of panic dousing him and for a while, he wanted to run away because his heart started to beat loudly against his chest in—relief. He knew then, that he was in this too, that Merlin wasn’t the only one feeling this way about each other. He bit his inner cheek from showing his emotions on his face because he wouldn’t own up to his feelings. 

No, this couldn’t happen. He couldn’t love another person, not yet. He couldn’t drag Merlin into this emotional roller coaster. He had hurt Merlin enough, he couldn’t—he will not let another incident like Gwen happen to them. He shook his head. He needed to drown himself in something alcoholic because his life had just became a cliche joke. 

“I can’t,” Arthur finally said. Merlin’s eyes widened as he shook his head. 

“No, Arthur,” Merlin started as he touched the blond’s elbows. “Please, no, just forget about it. I—Don’t leave me.”

“I can’t,” Arthur repeated, his eyes wider, wilder. “No, Merlin, I told you. You can’t love me. I can’t do the same for you.”

“And I’m okay with it, please,” Merlin started but Arthur simply took another step back, dislodging the hands from his elbows. The brunet looked broken, as if Arthur had shattered them. The blond looked away as he shook his head again. 

“No, you’re not,” Arthur said slowly. “This has gone long enough. I can’t, Merlin. I can’t now that you love me. I’ll just hurt you even more.”

“Arthur, you’re hurting me now if you leave,” Merlin said, his voice barely above a whisper. 

“I’m sorry,” Arthur said. “We’re ending this here.”

The sharp intake of breath had Arthur looking at the brunet and his heart clenched tight when he saw the tears on the brunet’s face. He closed his eyes, not allowing himself to look any longer. Coward, his mind whispered heavily at him. He shook his head harshly as he turned around. “Please,” Merlin said, his voice broken. “You’re…You’re my only family left.”

Arthur knew Merlin was his only family left as well, the only one who would ever understand him more than Gwen. He felt his own eyes water but this was where he had to draw the line. He couldn’t do this to Merlin, especially not when he loved him back. “I’m sorry,” Arthur said and with that, he walked away. He couldn’t bare to look back at the brunet, knowing Merlin was probably crying. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered to himself as he was driving away. 

He felt like he had broken a part of his soul into half and left it to die. It felt worse when he found out his marriage to Gwen was ending. 

He felt like he could just die from this for real. 

 

 

***

 

 

Gwen was looking at him again, Arthur noted, as he chewed on his pen and staring at the documents in front of him. “What is it?” Arthur asked, absent-mindedly as he looked up from his papers. Gwen was sitting in front of him, eating her sandwich at the kitchen table. 

“You look horrible,” she said quietly. Arthur bitterly smiled at her as he looked back down on the documents. He knew he looked horrible. He felt horrible. It had been a week since he had left Merlin and it didn’t help that his body, his heart and mind missed the brunet’s presence. His heart especially ached, knowing now that this weird feeling in his chest was love. 

Love that he hadn’t felt for a very long time. After he realised he was in love with Merlin, it wasn’t a shock that he knew he fell out of love for Gwen as well. It was just this sense of security that held him back from leaving this warmth. But even that, he was beginning to think it was time for him to leave. 

None of them deserved this huge baggage he carried. 

“Thanks,” Arthur said. 

Gwen remained quiet and she didn’t speak after that. Arthur didn’t bother to strike up a conversation, wanting to drown his attention in his work so he wouldn’t think about this fucked up life he owned. 

 

 

***

 

 

Arthur frowned when he noticed a man standing outside of Merlin’s apartment, looking at his feet. He was dressed up nicely, as if he held a high position somewhere and Arthur knew he looked familiar. When the man looked at Arthur, the brown eyes met his and he realised who it was. 

“Gwaine?” he questioned. Gwaine beamed up, his lips turned into a smirk. Oh god, he muttered in his head in disdain. The least favourite person in his life was standing in front of him and he really wondered what he had done for him to deserve this. “What the hell are you doing here?”

“Arthur, princess,” Gwaine started with his usual slur. Arthur glared at the nickname. “Don’t be like that to your rival.”

“You’re not a rival, you’re a menace,” Arthur shot back darkly. Gwaine simply grinned as he leaned against the door even more comfortably, his hands in his pants pockets. Arthur raised his eyebrows at that, feeling this slight apprehension at his attitude. Why was he in front of Merlin’s apartment? Why did he look so relaxed like he had been here many times before? But that was impossible, Arthur would’ve remembered if he saw that irritating face here. 

“I’m waiting for Merlin,” Gwaine said with a smile that suspiciously seemed to be mocking him. Arthur felt this bitter acid crawling in his chest at the thought of his rival in business and life meeting Merlin. 

“Why?” he asked, knowing he sounded obvious. Gwaine watched him carefully before he grinned widely. 

“I’m his friend, did he forget to mention?” he asked innocently. Just as Arthur was about to snap at him, the apartment door opened and Gwaine straightened himself just so that he wouldn’t fall. Arthur wished he did fall, just to feel slightly satisfied at being able to see Gwaine get hurt. 

“Gwaine!” Merlin said, his voice was light. Arthur clenched his jaw as the brunet wrapped his arms around the taller brunet and hugged him tight, oblivious that the blond-haired man was watching him. “You’re late.”

“Sorry, mate,” Gwaine said as he took a step back and glanced at Arthur with a cocky grin. “Just chatting with your neighbour here.”

Arthur watched as Merlin froze, his eyes darted to Arthur and widened. “A—Arthur,” he said and Arthur flinched at the broken tone. He hadn’t seen Merlin in a while and he really was doing a good job at avoiding him until now. He nodded curtly at Merlin and he looked away to Gwaine. “Ah…you two know each other?”

“Yeah,” Gwaine said. “We met in university and later found out we’re rivals of each other’s company.”

“Just my fucking luck,” Arthur muttered under his breath unhappily. He noticed Merlin fidgeting from the corner of his eyes and he felt a sharp pang going in his chest at the thought of those two being close somewhat. He resisted the urge to ask when the hell Gwaine had befriended Merlin and looked at this front door, punching in the key codes harshly. 

He knew he was being hypocritical. He shouldn’t be mad or jealous at Merlin befriending someone else besides him, being with someone else besides him. Wasn’t that what he wanted? But he couldn’t stop this bitter feeling from consuming him though as he opened his door. “Well, see ya, mate,” Gwaine said and it took Arthur a second to realise he was talking to him. 

“I’m not your bloody mate!” he snapped at Gwaine but the taller brunet had simply smiled like he knew what was going on. He raised his own eyebrows challengingly before Merlin quickly tugged Gwaine to move. Arthur locked his eyes on the hand that was holding Gwaine’s arm and gripped the door handle tighter. 

“See ya anyways,” Gwaine said with another cocky grin before he slung his arm across Merlin’s shoulders and dragged him close. The shorter brunet blushed, Arthur noticed with a sickening feeling in his stomach. Without saying anything else, he walked into his apartment and closed the door shut. He knew he looked menacing and angry a moment ago and it felt like he wanted to rip Gwaine apart just for touching Merlin. 

But he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t say Merlin was his, that he wanted the brunet because he vowed that Merlin deserved someone better, even if begrudgingly, that someone better was Gwaine. 

He resisted the urge to punch the wall. 

 

 

***

 

 

“What?” Arthur asked as he stared at Gwen. She was crossing her arms against her chest and staring at him blankly as they stood in their bedroom. “What business party?”

“This business party,” she said with bitter humour as she raised the invitation card to his view. “This invitation that you didn’t show it to me for two weeks.” Arthur flinched at the tone and frowned. 

“I’m not going,” he said as he slumped at the edge of the bed and decided to take off his socks, for no reason. 

“We’re going,” Gwen said sharply. Arthur looked at her, pausing in mid-action taking off his right sock. 

“You hate those events!” Arthur pointed out, confused to why she was behaving this way. 

“My company is being represented in this too, Arthur,” she said with a small sigh. “I want to support them.”

Arthur almost laughed cruelly at her face when he caught on the real reason she was adamant to go. Lancelot was going to be there since he was the vice president of that said company. Arthur sagged his shoulders in defeat. “Fine,” he said as he looked back at his socks numbly. He didn’t feel the pain anymore, just resigned and empty, knowing he had no ground to stand on properly. Gwen didn’t say anything for a long time but Arthur knew she was staring at him. 

Finally she said, “Okay,” quietly and walked out of the bedroom. 

 

 

***

 

 

Arthur hated events like this. He had to act civil to people he didn’t have any intention of knowing, he had to smile and act all bloody posh like he was forced to do when his father was alive. He had to act like how they expected a Pendragon to behave. He had to laugh at jokes he never understood and he had to show off his wife like how they did, even if he never wanted to do that, even when he was in love with her once upon a time because he treasured her and her personal space and he hated it that nobody else felt what she felt. 

And the night worsened when Gwen had hooked her arm around his and stiffened visibly when she spotted someone. That someone stood in front of them in matter of seconds and Arthur’s own shoulders stiffened when he realised who it was. “Lancelot,” Gwen said, her voice came out soft, a softness he had failed to hear from her almost a few years now. He looked back at Lancelot and noted, that in person, he did have this charisma, this confidence that he would cherish everything he loved—everything like Gwen. 

“Guinevere,” he said and he smiled, like he had done so many times in her presence and Arthur felt like the third wheel in this. He, her husband, was feeling like a third wheel in this. Gwen smiled back but she looked tensed. 

“You’re here,” she said, and it was like she was speaking in a new language. Arthur didn’t doubt she was indeed speaking in a type of code only those two knew of. 

“Yes, well, the president couldn’t make it,” Lancelot said with a shrug before he looked at Arthur. “I believe we have met before?”

Yeah, in the bloody pictures, Arthur almost said but he just smiled and said, “I don’t seem to recall you, forgive me.”

Gwen tightened her arms around his in warning. 

“Ah, well, you wouldn’t really care for someone less, would you?” Lancelot said with slight malice. Arthur narrowed his eyes but he refused to be intimidated by this man. 

“No, I’m just genuinely bad with names,” Arthur said with a sigh. Lancelot eyed him for a second before he looked back at Gwen, his eyebrows raised in a meaningful glance. Arthur couldn’t stand this third conversation that he had no part of and pushed her arm from his gently. She immediately looked at him slightly alarmed before she quietened when he smiled at her. “I’m parched. I’ll get something for you.”

He glanced at Lancelot before he looked at her. Her eyes widened a bit but she didn’t say anything as he left, heading to the long table that held their drinks and some snacks. He sighed heavily as he took a glass of champagne and downed it in one go. 

Just as he was about to take another glass of champagne, a hand landed on his shoulder, jolting him away from his thoughts. He turned around and felt his mood worsening even more than before when he saw it was Gwaine. “What?” Arthur asked. 

“Didn’t think you would come,” Gwaine said with a smile as his hand landed on—Merlin’s back. Arthur stared at the shorter brunet before he looked at Gwaine. What the— “He’s my plus one.”

“Arthur,” Merlin said, his voice held this slight note of panic. Arthur gritted his jaw and glared at the taller man. 

“I see,” he said before he looked away, taking the second glass of champagne and downed that too. God, he just wanted to get out of here. He just wanted to breathe. His heart ached in his chest and he wanted nothing more for this night to end. He knew he was in love with Merlin and he should let him go when Gwaine could obviously do a better job than he could. But he couldn’t find it in himself to breathe whenever he imagined those two together. 

He shook his head as he said, “Excuse me. Enjoy your night.” and left. 

Arthur found the men’s bathroom and walked inside, feeling relieved that nobody was in it. He stumbled to the sink and turned on the tap. He washed his face and let the cold water wake him up. He glanced at himself in the mirror and grinned bitterly at himself. He looked like he was gone, like he was crazy. He couldn’t help but to think it would be better if he was crazy. 

Just then the door to the bathroom opened, and then closed before Arthur heard the distinct sound of the door being locked. Alarmed, he turned around and felt his body freeze when he saw it was Merlin, leaning against the door and staring at him unamused. 

Arthur frowned deeply as he leaned at the sink. “What the fuck are you doing here?” 

“That’s my question,” Merlin asked as he walked close to Arthur. “What are you doing here?”

Arthur raised his eyebrows at the brunet in front of him. “Why would anyone come to the bathroom, Merlin?”

Merlin simply rolled his eyes and for a second, it hurts to breathe at how natural all of this felt. His chest clenched tight and he wanted nothing more but to drag Merlin into his embrace again. He clenched his hands into fists to his sides and stared over Merlin’s shoulders. No, he wouldn’t let himself break. Not now. 

But Merlin refused to be ignored as he took another step forward until their shoes met. Arthur looked at Merlin and frowned again. When he was about to move away, Merlin had placed both of his hands on Arthur’s face and halted him. The blond-haired man’s eyes widened as the familiar warmth flooded his senses. He almost gasped at how much he missed this, the emotions crashed into him without warning. 

“I missed you,” Merlin said slowly, his voice low and meaningful. “I missed you, Arthur.”

“Merlin,” he started. “We can’t,” he continued, as he placed his own hands over Merlin’s, trying to bring them away from his face. 

Merlin looked at him stubbornly before he shook his head. “I know you love me too.”

Arthur flinched at the words and looked away from him. But the fingers on his face started to caress his cheeks and he closed his eyes, knowing that if he looked at Merlin now, he would break. “Please, don’t do this. You don’t want this.”

“I love you,” Merlin said softly as Arthur felt the brunet’s body closing against his. “I love you. Please, I know you do too and I know—I know this scares you but I’m scared too, Arthur.”

“You’re pushing me,” Arthur croaked out as he opened his eyes and looked at Merlin. “You have to move on because I’m not going to budge. Let me go, Merlin.”

Merlin watched him quietly before he bit his bottom lip and Arthur knew he had pushed the last button on Merlin’s patience. “God, why are you so bloody stubborn?” he snapped, before he kissed Arthur. The blond-haired’s eyes widened a fraction wider. His first instinct was to push him away but the familiarity finally had his mind shut down. Before he knew it, he kissed Merlin back, groaning under his breath when Merlin opened his mouth, welcoming his tongue. 

He brought one of his hands around Merlin’s waist and dragged him close, their bodies flushed at every angle and he knew his own body was responding to Merlin’s as quickly as it used to. He broke the kiss apart and sighed loudly against the swollen lips. “I love you,” Merlin said, his voice sounded used. “I love you,” he continued as he looped his arms around Arthur’s neck and kissed him again, deeper, more passionate than before. 

Arthur kissed him back wordlessly, knowing full well that he was losing this battle. “Gwaine,” he whispered under his breath as he broke their kiss, not knowing what to do but let Merlin continue kissing his jaw before reaching his neck. 

“He was my friend since high school,” Merlin muttered, his breath against Arthur’s neck had the blond hitching his own breath. “See him as only a brother.”

Arthur felt this huge wash of relief in him as he tilted Merlin’s face to his and kissed him again, harsher. “Yeah?” he said, not knowing that he was going to cross the same line he promised he wouldn’t cross again. Merlin nodded desperately, trying to keep Arthur against his lips. But then the bathroom door was knocked and reality doused on him like ice water. 

Arthur’s eyes widened and he immediately pushed Merlin away, horrified at what he had done. Merlin looked half-confused before he noticed Arthur’s face and frowned. “Arthur,” he started. 

“Stop it,” Arthur said, his voice coming out sharp. “I…I can’t drag you into this. You—you shouldn’t have to deal with me. Please, I’m letting you leave. I…I’ll consume you until you’re nothing, Merlin—look at what I’ve done to Gwen.”

Merlin watched him quietly before he shook his head. “You won’t destroy me, Arthur,” he said slowly. “Gwen…she’s not me. I’m not her. I…I won’t leave you for someone who sounded better.”

“And what guarantee can you give me that you won’t?” Arthur asked, his voice broke. There was another knock on the door and Arthur felt this panic bubbling again at the thought of being forced to a corner. Merlin shook his head and smiled at him. 

“I can’t,” Merlin said honestly. “But I love you. I’m in love with you. I can promise you with these feelings I have for you, I can’t ever escape you. I’m…I love you, Arthur.”

“That’s what Gwen said too,” Arthur said. “That’s what she promised too.”

“I,” Merlin started but he then looked away. “I’m scared too. I know this isn’t what you planned in your life. I can’t speak for her, but I can say—I never broken a promise before and I don’t intend to do so now.” 

Arthur watched him for a while. He knew Merlin was telling the truth and for the looks of it, if he gave them a chance, they would make it. It was there, just in the way they made for each other, that they could do it. But those were all chances and faith, something that Arthur had no faith in after Gwen. 

How could Merlin make him believe in it once more?

“I won’t leave you,” Merlin said. “I can’t. I…love you, and I’ll say it as many times as you want to hear it. Until you believe me, until you believe that we can make it. I’m sorry about Gwen, I am. But…I’m not her. Just…fall once more and I promise, I won’t hurt you.”

Arthur looked at him, letting the words to wash into him. “But I might hurt you,” he blurted out. Merlin simply took a few steps forward again before he wrapped his arms around Arthur’s waist, dragging him close. “I might hurt you, Merlin,” he said as he found himself slowly losing this battle, his hands covering Merlin’s body. The knock at the door seemed to have ceased, as if the person at the other side left in frustration. 

“You won’t hurt me intentionally,” Merlin said as he looked at Arthur. “You won’t hurt me intentionally.”

Arthur felt his own eyes water, feeling his heart warm at the words. Nobody had held this much of faith in him before. He never felt his much of love before, as if he belonged with someone, as if he was wanted forever. He sighed shakily as he smiled. He hugged Merlin again, burying his face at the mop of hair. The tears left his eyes as he held him tighter, Merlin hugging back just as much force. 

“I missed you too,” Arthur said. He couldn’t say the three words yet, he wasn’t ready, he was still afraid. But Merlin made him feel like he could do it. This time, he could drag away the fears and heal him. Merlin had healed him once, maybe he could heal his other scars too. “I missed you too.”

“I know,” Merlin said and his voice sounded light, relieved and happy. “I missed you too.”

Arthur knew then that maybe, he was ready, to leave behind everything that was holding him back. He knew that this wedding ring held no more significance. He knew he would always love Gwen but he just couldn’t let her string him along anymore. 

He just held Merlin for a while. He knew Gwen would probably look for him—or maybe not since Lancelot was there, and he knew that he should leave, act normal again in public. But before he went back out there, he wanted a bit more of this warmth. “I love you,” Merlin said. And Arthur nodded, acknowledging him for the first time and letting go of his fears. 

 

 

***

 

 

Arthur knew he had to tell Gwen. She was sitting in front of him, at the dining table, looking at the marble pattern. “Gwen,” he started and she flinched. She seemed to sit quietly for a bit more before she sighed and looked at Arthur. “Gwen, you know I know.”

She looked away again and rubbed her temples. “I,” she started and her voice broke. “I’m sorry, Arthur.”

Arthur could see that she was trying to hold back her tears. He could see how she was also relieved that the truth was out there. “When?” Arthur asked, holding back his own pain. Despite he had decided to accept it that he was never getting her back, it still hurt to be reminded of his failure at keeping this marriage together. 

She sniffed, rubbing her eyes before she took in a deep breath. “That…that trip to Colorado.”

Arthur felt this sharp pang in his chest at the words. “Almost two years,” Arthur said slowly under his breath. Gwen only looked at him and bit her bottom lip, in what seemed like fear. Arthur sighed, running his fingers through his hair. 

“I’m sorry,” she said and it seemed like that was all she could say. Arthur clenched his jaw before he shook his head. 

“Why?”

“I…It’s not you,” she said softly under her breath. He looked at her confused. 

“How could it not be me? How could you say that I didn’t drive you this?” Arthur asked, his voice came out tight.

“Because, I—I…I just felt like I was missing something with us,” Gwen said miffed. Softly later, she added, “I thought that we could make it. I knew it sooner that we’re missing something that I wanted, needed. And I thought it would be there if we married. But—it’s just not there. It’s just not working and I didn’t thought we were missing that until I…I met Lancelot.”

Arthur looked at the table, frowning. He guessed he could concede to what Gwen was saying because he didn’t think he was missing the same thing she was missing until he met Merlin. He bit his own lip as he shook his head. “How did you know?” Gwen asked quietly. 

“I hired a private investigator,” he said honestly, noticing how Gwen had narrowed her eyes gently. “I know…I know it looked like I didn’t trust you but you were—you were so obvious, Gwen.” She flinched at his words as she nodded. 

“I don’t blame you,” she said. “I…I tried, you know. I tried to make it work for you. I didn’t want to cheat on you because you deserved better. But—but I…at the end, it just failed when you looked exhausted. At the end of the day, I gave up too.”

“I know,” Arthur said gently. The initial anger had lost its fire as he only felt resignation. “I’m seeing Merlin,” he said finally. Gwen looked at him startled, her eyes wide. 

“What?”

“I’m seeing Merlin,” Arthur said. “I have been…a while now.”

Gwen only watched him quietly before she frowned heavily. “You were cheating on me too?” she asked. 

“Yes,” Arthur said. “But it wasn’t until after I found out you were—I…it’s new.”

Gwen shook her head in disbelief, “But you’re not gay, Arthur. You didn’t even experiment in college—I mean…”

“I’m,” Arthur started before he sighed. “I’m not gay, that’s true. I guess…it’s just him. I felt the thing that was missing in us in him, Gwen. I felt it too and I know I’m…I was a jerk too. I know that it wasn’t supposed to make things better because I’m now half in this mess too. But—I…”

Gwen remained quiet for a long time, searching his face. “Are you in love with him?”

Arthur looked away from her again, feeling his heart beating against his chest. “Yes,” he said. 

“Have you told him?”

“No,” he said as he looked at her. “Gwen, I still love you. But I’m…I’m in love with him.”

Gwen could only nod but she didn’t seemed consoled. “I’m sorry,” he continued. “I know I’m no good in this too. I know you deserve better too. I’m sorry it has to be this way. I’m sorry I couldn’t have—”

“I have no right to be angry at you,” Gwen said as she sighed. “I did it first. I didn’t even stop, even when I knew you knew. It’s just that—I didn’t think about this possibility.”

“I’m sorry,” he said and he knew it was his turn to apologise, for things he had done even if he didn’t regret doing them. He just wished things could’ve ended in a better way, or went in a different direction. She rubbed her face as she shook her head again. 

“But I am angry,” she said weakly. “I’m such a hypocrite, huh?”

Arthur gently grabbed her hands and held it tight in his palm. “I was angry too,” he said slowly. “I wanted to yell at you, ask you why you did this to me, I wanted to kill that guy, you know. But—I saw how happy you were whenever you were leaving me for him. You think I didn’t see how your eyes light up whenever he calls but I do. And I—realised he makes you happy in a way I couldn’t. And…I couldn’t stay angry.”

“And Merlin makes you that happy too?” she asked gently, looking at their hands. “Does he make you feel like this time, everything will work out?”

“Yes,” he said as he smiled slightly. “Yes, he does.”

She nodded and they remained quiet for a long time before she laughed hoarsely under her breath. “Look at us, we’re fucked up, aren’t we?”

Arthur could only smile bitterly at her. “You have no idea.”

“This is the end?” she asked as she looked at Arthur in the eyes. Arthur’s eyes watered as he choked in his words. 

“Yeah, I think so.” 

Gwen only cried and he cried with her. It hurt to let her go, even if he wasn’t in love with her anymore, but he knew that they both just were eager to move on with their lives, to go back to the person who had healed their lonely hearts. That made them feel like they could win the war without bruising themselves. To those who made them feel alive. 

“I love you,” Arthur said to Gwen through the tears. 

“I love you too,” she said sincerely as she choked in her sob. 

That was where they drew the line and started a new chapter. 

 

 

***

 

 

Arthur didn’t look for Merlin when he packed everything up. He moved out of the apartment a week later, went back to his bachelor apartment he kept around for no reason. The divorce letters arrived another week later and he signed them without hesitation, knowing this was for the best. Merlin had tried to call a few times but Arthur didn’t want to see him—not yet. 

He wanted to leave behind all the old chapters and when he saw Merlin again, he wanted it to be when he was fresh out of his marriage, out of his old life and doubts. So, he ignored the calls. He knew Merlin would be looking for him and he just hoped the man understood that he needed some time alone. 

When their divorced wad finalised after the hearing a month later, Arthur was left standing outside of the building with the letter finalising their end. Gwen was standing next to him and he noticed how well she looked, as if she had gotten her glow back. “This is it,” she said gently as she looked at him. Arthur smiled at her before he looked at the ring on his hand. He then pulled the ring off as she did too. 

“I’m going to miss you,” he said and Gwen simply smiled. 

“I’m going to miss you too,” she said as she looked at their rings. “But this is for the best.”

“Yes,” Arthur said. As they stood facing each other, Arthur felt his chest relaxing as he nodded at her. Relief washed in him and he realised, this was it. They could move on now. He felt his heart beating gently against his chest calmly like he wanted to. He felt like he could breathe again. Like he could—live. 

“Goodbye, Arthur,” Gwen said as she smiled again. Arthur smiled back before she turned around. 

“Goodbye, Gwen,” he said as he watched her walk away until she disappeared in the crowd, noting how melancholy this felt. The ring in his hand felt light, like metal, like the end of them forever. 

 

 

***

 

 

Arthur took another month to arrange his life so that he knew he could handle another person in his life. He knew Merlin was cross with him, he could feel it even if he hadn’t seen him for almost two months. He ignored all the phone calls, didn’t tell a soul where he had been and just decided to stay low for those two months. 

As he entered the bakery, he immediately saw Merlin, helping a customer out with a smile on his face. He smiled to himself when he saw the brunet, feeling his chest fluttering. He knew that the brunet would be angry at him for ignoring him, and he probably had a lot to make up for, but he was willing to do it now. He was willing to do this for them now. 

He was no longer afraid for them, of them. 

Merlin looked at him just then and his whole body froze as their eyes met. Arthur smiled amused as he walked closer to the counter, watching the brunet look at him calculatingly before raising his eyebrows. “How can I help you, sir?” Merlin asked, his voice coming out tight and his smile sharp. 

“Sir?” Arthur asked, his voice coming off light. “Come on, Merlin. That’s a bit cold, don’t you think?”

He knew he was being unfair when he saw the flicker of anger in those eyes. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, sir,” Merlin said. “If you don't want to order anything, please let the next customer through.”

Arthur frowned gently when Merlin dismissed him with a cold shoulder. He huffed out his breath as he surrendered for a second and let the next customer in. He then found an empty spot and sat near the windows, looking at Merlin from where he sat. He smiled widely and waved when Merlin glanced at him. It amused him when the brunet frowned at him and looked away, trying to look busy. 

A waiter then stood at his table, raising her eyebrows when Arthur simply glanced at her. “Order?”

“Ah, I don’t want to order anything unless he comes and waits me,” Arthur said with a cheerful grin. The girl’s cheeks reddened from his charming smile and stutters away to Merlin. The brunet scowled when the girl spoke to him and the blue eyes that landed on Arthur made the blond grin even more. He had missed Merlin, he knew. He wanted him again and this time, he wasn’t going to ignore the brunet anymore, he wasn’t going to let him go, he wasn’t going to push him away if things got too rough. 

No, Arthur promised himself. This time, he was going to hold onto the brunet tight and strong. Merlin stormed to his table and glared. “What the fuck do you want?”

Arthur flinched at the cold tone and sighed dramatically. “Is this how you speak to someone you’re in love with, Merlin?”

Merlin’s eyes narrowed for a second. “I don’t recall being in love with a prat.”

“You wound me,” Arthur said. “And to think I came all this way just to see your face because I missed you.”

Merlin’s glare softened but he could still see the traces of anger in them. He scoffed as he looked away before he sighed. “Come on,” Merlin said as he walked away. Arthur quickly followed him as they walked to the employee’s changing room. Merlin then closed the door and leaned against it, crossing his arms against his chest to stare at Arthur. “You missed me? That’s rich coming from you since you ignored me for two bloody months!”

Arthur simply smiled sheepishly. “I’m sorry,” Arthur said. “I was in the middle of—my divorce.” He raised his bare hands in surrender. Merlin’s eyes widened as his eyes landed on the hand. Arthur almost laughed at how hilarious Merlin looked. His mouth was open and he looked disbelieving. 

“Arthur,” he said as he dropped his hands to his sides. “What—you…you divorced her?”

“Technically we divorced each other,” Arthur said as he sighed. “It’s been a month since we divorced.”

Merlin simply blinked at him before he chewed his bottom lip. Arthur noticed the insecurity in those orbs and shook his head, even more amused. To think Merlin was getting nervous now was again, another hilarity. He crossed the distance between them before he placed both palms against each side of Merlin’s head and leaned in close. “What are you thinking?” he asked. 

Merlin looked at him, their noses brushed against each other and that elicited a breathless gasp from the brunet. “Uhm—well, how are you feeling?” he asked, his voice sounded helpless. Arthur chuckled under his breath. 

“I’m…alright,” he said with a smile. “It took me a month to reel myself in. Just so I could be emotionally—stable for you.”

Merlin watched him carefully as he touched the blond-haired man’s shoulders. “Are you? Emotionally stable that is.”

“I’m still not a hundred percent there yet,” Arthur admitted honestly. “But I couldn’t stay away from you anymore. I missed you, Merlin. Didn’t you miss me?”

“Of course I did, you prat!” Merlin exclaimed, his voice an octave higher in displease. He slapped Arthur on the shoulder harshly before he sighed. “I missed you so much and when I found out you weren’t staying next to me anymore, I didn’t know what to think and I tried to call you and you didn’t answer—just…I thought, I thought you were leaving me.”

“I’m sorry,” Arthur said as he nudged Merlin’s nose with his gently. “I’m sorry. I promise you, I won’t do that again. I won’t push you away again. I won’t ignore you anymore. I—I want you. Merlin, I need you now.”

“You won’t…you won’t get scared and run away anymore?” Merlin asked hesitantly, his eyes bright and hopeful. Arthur’s heart clenched at what he had caused Merlin to feel and shook his head. 

“No, I won’t run away ever,” Arthur said with a promise. “Merlin, I’m in love with you.”

Merlin’s eyes widened. Arthur could see the tears gathering in those eyes and he smiled widely. He touched the brunet’s face with one of his hands and caressed his cheek. “Arthur,” he said. “You—Really?”

“Yes,” Arthur said. “I’m in love with you. I love you. I—I love you.”

“I love you too,” Merlin said without missing a beat. Just then, he smiled, bright and happy as if that was what he wanted to hear. Arthur felt his heart thumping loudly against his chest at the emotion playing on the brunet’s face. His face heated up and couldn’t help but to grin brightly back. “I love you so much.”

“Girl,” he muttered playfully. Merlin simply sniffed, trying to hold back the tears. 

“Well, I deserve some break for making me wait for so long,” Merlin said cheekily. Before Arthur could protest, the brunet had looped his arms around Arthur’s neck and dragged him into a kiss. Arthur kissed him back immediately, pushing him against the door, indulging himself into the kiss. 

God, he missed this, he missed everything about them and he knew, he was never letting him go. He was never going to let them die. He was going to make this work, even if it kills him at the end of the day. “Don’t ever leave me,” Merlin whimpered as they broke apart. Arthur nodded as he placed his forehead against Merlin’s. 

“Never,” Arthur said. “You’re stuck with me forever.”

Merlin smiled as he hugged Arthur, burying his face against Arthur’s neck. “You’re stuck with me too.”

Arthur laughed, and for the first time in his life, he felt like he was doing something so right. He hugged him back, tight. “Again, girl.”

“Shut up,” Merlin said muffled. “Missed you so much. I can be a girl for a while.”

“Maybe this once,” Arthur said cheekily. “Sorry for making you wait for so long.”

Merlin simply huffed out in amusement against his neck. “You should be.” But then, he pulled back to look at Arthur in the eyes with a soft smile. “But I’ll wait for you forever anyway.”

Arthur felt his heart tug at the words and he smiled back warmly, cradling the brunet’s face in his palm and leaned close to kiss him. “I would too. Forever.” 

Merlin kissed him then, the happiness showing in the way they moulded together. Arthur knew then, this was going to last forever. The spark that ran through his body, he knew Merlin felt it too. 

I love you, Arthur whispered in his mind as he continued to kiss him. 

And from how Merlin kissed him back, he knew Merlin was saying the same words back to him. 

I love you too. 

_ **The end.** _

 

** Epilogue: **

 

Arthur raised his eyebrows at the brunet, who was smiling at him brightly. “I thought I told you, I don’t like sweets. At all.” Merlin simply blinked at him slowly as if he didn’t understand what Arthur was saying. That idiot, Arthur muttered in his mind affectionately as he sighed and pointed at the plate of heavily thick chocolate cake. “Merlin, I don’t like sweets or chocolates.”

“Just try it,” Merlin said as he nudged the plate closer to Arthur. “Oh, there’s another customer! I’ll be back and in the meantime, try to suck it up and eat the cake.” Merlin then leaned down and pecked on his lips before he bounced away, to greet the next customer who had walked into the bakery. 

Arthur watched him work for a minute before he licked his lips and scowled. He looked back to the cake and wondered for a second if maybe he could just accidentally drop the cake on the floor. But he knew the brunet would see right through his lies and would force him to eat another slice as revenge. 

He shuddered at that thought. No, he would just have to suck it up after all. He raised his fork and tried to get the smallest piece he could break off from the cake and closed his eyes. He counted in his head to three before he shoved the cake into his mouth. 

He was actually waiting for the horrible sweetness to assault his tongue in the most horrifying way possible, but what he tasted at the end was this beautiful blend of bitter and sweet. He opened his eyes in awe at the taste and looked at the cake, as if this existed in front of him. 

Arthur hesitantly took another bite of the cake and noted that the cake did taste like this. It wasn’t as sweet as it looked and it was bitter at the edges just like how he liked it. He couldn’t help but to chuckle as the warmth spread through his body. Merlin really knew him, didn’t he? After a year together, he was still surprised at how well Merlin could interpret him. 

“Well, someone likes it after all!” Merlin said with a grin as he slid next to Arthur. “Told ya.”

“Shut up, Merlin,” he said as he glanced at the brunet. “I only liked it to please you.”

“Liar,” Merlin huffed out in amusement as he leaned his shoulder against Arthur’s. “I made it for you, you know.”

Arthur couldn’t help but to smile widely, taking another bite of the cake. “Really now?”

“Prat,” Merlin said without venom. “Most people would say thank you in this case.”

“Well,” Arthur said as he looked at Merlin, grinning. “I am just a prat.”

Merlin rolled his eyes and Arthur leaned in close and kissed him on the lips for a second. “Thanks,” he said finally as Merlin froze in his seat. The blond-haired man watched how the blush covered the cheekbones and he couldn’t help but to smirk when the brunet looked at him abashed. 

“You are such a—” But before Merlin could say anything, Arthur had shoved a huge piece of the cake into the brunet’s mouth. Arthur watched in glee as the brunet cringed at the cake. “I don’t like bitterness.”

“I know,” Arthur said without an apology. Merlin frowned as he licked his lips. 

“Why do I even put up with you?”

“Because you can’t live without me?” Arthur teased and Merlin smiled, relaxing and chuckling. He looked at Arthur, the eyes filled with warmth that made the blond feel like he was being showered in softness. 

“Yeah,” he admitted and this time, Arthur’s face flushed. He felt his heart thumping gently against his chest and he felt…light. Happy, he was happy. 

“Me too,” he said at last and Merlin grinned, brightly. 

Arthur went back to his cake as Merlin had to entertain another customer afterwards. He couldn’t help but to smile wider when he caught the brunet’s eyes from across the cafe and their eyes lingered a little longer. Arthur noted, that yes, this was what happiness was supposed to feel like after all.

Happiness and love.

 

 

 

 


End file.
